The bravest movie review I've ever seen

I enjoy watching movies quite a bit, so, of course, I spend a good deal of time reading movie reviews. Through the powers of the series of tubes I can read hundreds of movie critics from all over the country, but over the years I've narrowed down my "must read" reviews to four sources. All of them present reviews that are mostly free of promotional material filler and almost all of them eschew numbers or star rankings. Read the damn prose review! Numbers are not opinions!

First up is Pajiba: Their tagline is "Snarky reviews for bitchy people." Accordingly, it's perfect for bitchy ol' me. I've been following them for years now, and their ever-growing roster of writers deliver some of the sharpest, funniest, and downright subversive critical reviews of movies, television, and (lately) books out there. All of their writers are extremely capable, but definitely read anything by webmaster Dustin Rowles and lead film critic Daniel Carlson. Rowles' contributes to the arts of hyperbole and snarkiness, whether skewering 27 Dresses or singing the praises of underrated films like Final Destination or Mission Impossible 3. Carlson is generally more thoughtful and does a good job of describing how it can feel to get swept up in a film, even if it ends up somewhat disappointing. See his reviews of Serenity, Spiderman 3, and No Country For Old Men to see what I'm talking about. I agree with Pajiba almost without fail. Call it ninety-eight percent.

Next up is Roger Ebert. Do I have to defend this? Although he's not as tack-sharp as he used to be, he's still quite prickly and comes armed with an encyclopedic knowledge of film culture and history. For the educational opportunities alone, each of his reviews (and his weekly Answer Man columns) are essential reads. I find myself agreeing with Ebert about eighty percent of the time.

For a quick hit, there's always the AV Club. The reviews are short and clever. I also agree with them maybe eighty percent.

Then, there's Stephanie Zacharek over at Salon. I find that I agree with her less often than the others here. Maybe 3 times out of 5, or 3 out of 4. That's splitting hairs. What makes her an essential read every week is how she approaches reviews from angles I never would have expected. In her review of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban she's bold enough to claim it's among the greatest fantasy films of all time; I'm with her there, especially the way she describes the poetry of the film. While other reviewers talked about how faithful it was to the book or whether kids would like it, Zacharek is on a totally different level of appreciation. She always approaches films with refreshingly open eyes.

And the review she posted today might just make her the most essential film critic out there. What review, you ask?

You Don't Mess With the Zohan

You read that right.

Go. Read. I'll still be here.

[taps foot]

I KNOW, RIGHT? How delightfully insane!

Allow me to summarize every other Zohan review you're going to read this weekend:

Idiots and frat boys like Adam Sandler. Adam Sandler seems nice enough, but, god, what a stupid premise for a movie. Rob Schneider is in it. Insert deserved snarky comment about how Rob Schneider owes his career to Adam Sandler. Talk about toilet humor. Talk about how thoroughly stupid this movie is. Maybe I cracked a grin, once, but no belly laughs. 1.5 stars.

There. I saved you the time of reading most reviews. I have another post in me about how most reviews seem to come off an interchangable Model-T assembly line, but that can wait. Back to Zacharek and Zohan.

Zacharek has the stones to... well, just look. Sit down. This goes places:

"You Don't Mess With the Zohan" -- in which Adam Sandler plays an Israeli counterterrorist commando whose big dream is to become a hairdresser -- is the movie "Munich" should have been. At the very least, it's got to be the first picture to use smelly-feet jokes as a means of parsing the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

...

... there's nothing more offensive in "Zohan" than the sequence in "Munich" in which Eric Bana -- as a Mossad agent who's trying to escape the violence of his past -- makes love to his wife, as flashbacks of the murders of the Israeli Olympic team in 1972 in Munich run through his head. "Munich" was a fictionalized story set against a real-life backdrop of tragedy: Bana plays an agent assigned to avenge the kidnapping and murder of 11 members of the Israeli Olympic team by the Palestinian terrorist group Black September. In "Munich" -- its first half, at least -- Steven Spielberg attempts to wrestle with some morally ambiguous issues, particularly the question of whether violence is ever morally justified, or necessary. But Spielberg tiptoes up to the complexity of those issues only to pull back from the edge. And his conclusion -- "Violence begets violence" -- isn't particularly enlightening or deep.

"Don't Mess With the Zohan" is the braver movie, for the way Sandler uses throwaway humor in the service of a strong point of view. "Zohan" never even addresses the viability of violence as a solution. It posits, from the start, that the only way to solve this seemingly unsolvable conflict is by forging human connections. You can tsk-tsk Sandler's penchant for dumb, crass humor all you want, but there's some meaning behind his madness. Is there nothing more human, more humbling, than the idea of smelly feet?

Hole. E. Shit.

That, my friends, is what happens when you go into a movie with no preconceptions. That's bold, clever, and I can almost guarantee you you're not going to see any other review of Zohan quite like that.

So am I going to see Zohan? Not likely. I mean, Sandler comedies lost me after the dreck of Little Nicky. But I won't dismiss it immediately, which is what my gut reaction would have been.

So, mission accomplished, Miss Zacharek. I now think you're the single boldest mainstream film critic in America, and easily one of the most essential.

Am I crazy? Am I missing some essential critical voice? Who do you read? Let me know in the comments!

Update 6/6: A.O. Scott of the New York Times went there too in his surprisingly positive review. I may have jumped the gun on this one.

Shooter is at least worth a Netflix

Submitted for your approval: Shooter is the greatest movie of all time.

Need some evidence? Oh, I've got a sniper rifle with armor-piercing evidence aimed right at your heart.

1. It's an action movie Same genre as Terminator 2, The Transporter, Hot Fuzz, Face/Off, The Rock, and True Lies. So it's in good company.

2. It stars Mark Wahlberg He's a sniper who was left for dead and has gone into hiding in Kentucky, "the patron state of shootin' stuff," as he puts it. So he's an excellent marksman AND is capable of describing this country with insight unseen since de Tocqueville's Democracy in America.

3. He's got a dog Dogs are always sweet. And check out his "in hiding" facial hair! He also trains his dog to fetch beer.



4. It's easy to empathize with our hero Why is our hero killing people after going into hiding? Easy: the big bad government killed his dog when he refuses to cooperate with a secret mission he disagrees with. They kill his dog. They have to die. He explains this very eloquently to an FBI Agent.

Special Agent Memphis: I don't think you understand how deep this conspiracy goes.
Bobby Lee Swagger: No, you don't understand. [beat] These people shot my dog!

5. Bobby. Lee. Swagger. Did I mention that our hero's name is Bobby Lee Swagger? Hell and Yes. Best hero name ever.

6. Sniper rifles. Everywhere. Who doesn't love sniper rifles?



7. A sidekick who kicks ass The token sidekick who gets dragged into a deeper conspiracy, seen below, is a trained killer, so you get double the sniper rifles. You can't lose with two snipers. I can't lie: a lot of people are gonna die.



8. A love interest who kicks ass The token love interest, played by Kata Mara, is far from a damsel in distress. She takes out a bunch of thugs. With a shotgun. In her bra. You want to see that. Thankfully, I'm looking out for you, dear reader, and I've shared a picture of her killing skills below. You're welcome.



That's some good killing.

What's wrong with the movie? Other than you might blow up from an overload of pure awesome, nothing. Better than Citizen Kane.

Godspeed, Mr. Swagger.

The iPod paradox of choice; or Waaaaah which pointless luxury good will make me happier??

I'm behind on my work since I spent all afternoon drooling over the new iPods.

Well, not the new Ipod Nano. I imagine it feels good in the hand but seems to have lost the very nice proportions of the old ones be hideously ugly. And are you really going to watch video on that tiny screen? Gimme the old ones any day.

But cripes, Apple, you had to make things difficult, didn'tcha? I own a current 60GB iPod. Come upgrade time, do I a) buy a 160GB iPod Classic and take care of my music storage needs for, say, the next 5-10 years but without any cool new features; or b) Go with the drool-worthy, internet-connected iPod Touch but have to settle for only 16gb of storage at a time?

I mean, it's a stunning interface but I don't know if I could take the portable storage hit. I love having all my music available at all times. And "iPod Touch" is such a lazy name; was "WiFiPod" taken? That's what I'm going to call it anyway.

Tough choices. I don't think I could say "No" to either of them. But I'll take my WiFiPod without the Macy Gray:



Much better.

The Skittles Touch

Because nothing sells candy quite like the magical negro stock character taken to its ludicrous extreme:



I love the part about the man on the bus.

And I swear some day I'll have some real content to share. Not just YouTube videos. Really.

Friday morning time waster - Be Kind Rewind trailer

There's a new trailer out for the next Michel Gondry movie called Be Kind Rewind. Gondry was the man behind--yeah, I'll say it--the best movie of this decade, so I was already nigh giddy as the trailer was loading. My school-girl giddiness was fast replaced by pure joy as the trailer served up a steaming ladle of ohmygodawesome:



You saw that right. Jack Black and Mos Def recreating famous movies with a camcorder. I saw Ghostbusters, Rocky, Driving Miss Daisy, RoboCop, Rush Hour 2, 2001, and Boyz in the Hood. It's turning Rushmore's 'films-remade-as-plays' aesthetic up to 11 for the YouTube age. I'm pumped. You should be too.

Oh, and here's a link to some higher-def versions if you care about that kind of thing.

Mock Draft: Albums that never get old!

After today's relatively disappointing Kissing Suzy Kolber commenter draft (Topic: Restaurants where you would like to eat your last meal), Scott (who posts under Hats for Bats on his group baseball blog) and I decided to start our own diversion:

Mock Draft: Albums that never, ever get old

Rules: Not a lot to explain here. One album per round. No repeats of artists.

Round 1

BiweeklyBrilliance: Who's up first?

HatsForBats: I'll give you first pick since I proposed the topic.

BwB: I would stick it to you and take The Verve: Urban Hymns, but I'm not that cruel. (Yes, he is--ed.)

H4B: I wondered if you would try that. I was going to take it with a lower pick since it's too obvious for me.

BwB: I figured. OK, I'll start with Ted Leo and the Pharmacists: "Hearts of Oak".

H4B: Good one. I'll go with Counting Crows: "Across a Wire Live in New York City".

BwB: Ooh, a fine choice. I could listen to the 10-minute version of "Round Here" forever.

H4B: I love both discs separately.

BwB: Related: you should pick up the live Wilco double album, "Kicking Television: Live in Chicago". It's like a greatest hits, but they added this wicked awesome 3rd guitar player (Nels Cline) who really adds some bite to a lot of tracks.

H4B: Nice. I'll check it out. You're still on the clock, by the way :-P

BwB: Sue me.

Round 2

BwB: AC[lightning bolt]DC: "Back in Black".

H4B: Good one. All right, I'm hitting you where you live: Smashing Pumpkins: "Siamese Dream".

BwB: Ass. But for the record I would have taken "Adore" before "Siamese Dream."

H4B: I knew you would. ... we know each other way too well in this regard.

Round 3

BwB: Led Zeppelin: Houses of the Holy.

H4B: Hmm. All right, I'll swing it back newer. Postal Service: "Give Up".

Round 4

BwB: Hmm, I'll go a little out there. Eminem: "Marshall Mathers LP".

H4B: Interesting choice.

BwB: It still amuses me to this day. I never expect it either.

H4B: Okay, I should have taken this one earlier. The Refreshments: "Fizzy Fuzzy Big and Buzzy".

Round 5

BwB: You're going to hate me: Jeff Buckley: "Grace".

H4B: Oh, that's so good, it should have been mine. ALl right, The Verve: Urban Hymns. I gotta protect now.

BwB: Yeah I knew Jeff Buckley would get you sweating.

H4B: Big oversight on my part.

Round 6

BwB: Nirvana: "MTV Unplugged in New York".

H4B: Radiohead: "The Bends".

BwB: Wow. Monster pick. Lot of upside potential. Big wingspan... etc.

H4B: I had to recover from Grace.

Round 7

BwB: Ozomatli: "Ozomatli".

H4B: Damn. OK, you hit me where I live now.

BwB: Know what? I stole album from you. Call the RIAA. (He did not steal. Please do not call the RIAA--ed.)

H4B: Miles Davis: "Kind of Blue".

BwB: Nice. By the way, I think my favorite part of "Kind of Blue" is how every single "best albums of all time" lists always places it at, like, #6.

H4B: "We need some jazz on there, but it doesn't need to be first."

BwB: There's always a pissing war between "Pet Sounds" and "Revolver" and "Sgt. Peppers" and "Blood on the Tracks"... but there's "Kind of Blue" at #6 every single time. I think that qualifies it for #1 ever.

H4B: By the way, I'll just say it: I was happy for that Thriller video this morning, because I had the Beatles in my head, and I didn't want them there. Stupid deli radio. "Let it Be." Ugh.

BwB: That's how I respond to "Are you a Beatles or a Stones guy" questions. I say I'm in MJ's court :-P (Hopefully not in his bed!--ed.)

Round 8

BwB: Oh, you're going to want to reach through the series of tubes and murder me: Over the Rhine: "Ohio".

H4B: Ahh! I knew it was out there.

BwB: I admit that's a mean-spirited pick. Thanks for turning me on to Over the Rhine, by the way.

H4B: Grrr, and you've already got Ted Leo off the board. Okay, fine, you wanna play that? Sufjan Stevens: "Illinois"

BwB: Oooooooooooooooooh! You MONSTER. It cuts like a knife!

H4B: You brought this upon yourself!

BwB: Damn you for taking away one of my favorite songs, "Casimir Pulaski Day."

H4B: Ditto, "Suitcase."

Round 9. Final round!

BwB: Drive-By Truckers: "Decoration Day"

H4B: Now you're just doing this out of spite. I commend that. My last pick: Arcade Fire: "Funeral"

BwB: I hadn't considered that. Nicely done.


OK folks, let's hear what yours would be in the comments.

What if my buddy David ended up in a Chilean prison?

Here's an idea for what you can do if you end up owning a Chilean prison: reenact "Thriller"--with full choreography and a guy in drag, natch--with 1500 prisoners:



Hat tip to Scott, who sent it along with this note, referring to a mutual friend that memorized the Thriller dance:

Seriously, in my head, the backstory is that there was a mix-up at Chilean customs, and David ended up in prison. and a week later, this.

Slate was really on top of their game today

Wow, Slate was really kicking ass on the Alps today.

First, they unearthed the fax that Chimpy McFlightsuit used to cede power to Cheneytron while he was in surgery. Yes, a fax. The same official, super secure document transmission method I use to order Chipotle burritos. You'd think he'd at least call!

If you're interested in some Harry Potter discussion, they have a nice series of letters about their predictions and feelings after it's over. Spoilers, obviously. Will Leitch, busybody editor of Deadspin gets in on the action.

Finally, they had not one but two killer slideshows. First up are examples of the video game clichés that let us instantly pick up new games, like medpacks and The Konami Code.

I guess Medpacks are preferable to eating cute fairies (picture link goes nowhere):



Second up is an exploration of the 12 major types of advertisements. They've put together some pretty good examples, and Seth Stevenson totally digs up one of my favorite ads ever, Nike's "Awake:"



Man, now I'm pumped. Might as well clear out some of my other Slate links here:

Did you catch their Action Movie one-liner contest? I would say my favorite was "Myspace friend add … denied!" but screw Myspace! "Dénouement-ized, man-kisser!" takes the cake. One blogger really took it to another level though with "Spoiler Alert! You die." and "You’re Tony Soprano and I’m an artsy fade to black." or "Subway: Eat death."

They launched a new video service, SlateV, with some very excellent video versions of their articles. Frankly, they're the best I've ever seen for internet videos. They certainly know when to let ridiculous material speak for itself. It also has a blog that tracks 'net videos that nicely complements the AV Club's "Videocracy" column as places to find fun videos without getting your fingers dirty by actually going to YouTube, land of daxflames and lonelygirls. Yeck.

Last but not least, a classic article by Hua Hsu about inexplicable hit "My Humps:"

Irony and camp have recast taste as an ethical shell game and we feel no guilt celebrating things that are, in the parlance of VH1, Awesomely Bad. But are there still songs that qualify as "bad"? Consider the Los Angeles hip-hop quartet the Black Eyed Peas. Their current single, "My Humps," is one of the most popular hit singles in history. It is also proof that a song can be so bad as to veer toward evil.

At least "My Humps" gave us this, which almost makes up for "You Oughta Know:"

So long, morning

Ever played some video games? Check out this Commenter Draft on Kissing Suzy Kolber.

The question: which video game would you play against alien invaders for the fate of the world? This is one of the few places on the internet where you need to follow the comments.

This cost me my entire morning. I got into the commenting, but good buddy Hats for Bats really stole the show.

I ended up taking:

1. Legend of Zelda
2. Resident Evil
3. Upside-down spelling words on a calculator. That's a game, right? 1134. 58008. Tee hee.
4. Ducktales on NES

And that's when I called it a day.

But Hats for Bats... wow:

1. Major League Baseball 1991 for Game Gear
2. Super Mario 3 ("Finally living out my 'the Wizard' fantasy")
3. Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge
4. Turbo TextTwist (java game)
5. Drug War on a TI-83
6. Erotic Photo Hunt

At which point commenter John S pointed us to the Tetris theme music. When Hats wanted to run that over the office intercom, John S said,

If you could, it would be kind of like Andy Dufrense in Shawshank.

"It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Shawshank felt free. "

And that, my friends, is how to win a comment thread.

Link roundup: holiday weekend edition

Time for another round of link vomiting, wherein I try to make sense of a big pile of stuff that I want to share with yinz. Here we goooooooooooooo...

Last time I left you with my new favorite blog, Passive Agressive Notes. Well they have a nice rundown of a household post-it war that escalates nicely.

Speaking of escalating nicely, you might get a kick out of this short take on invasive advertising, particularly the kind that's popping up all over video games.

Video games can make stuff funnier! You might have seen the clip of a breakdancer kicking a baby. Well, it's funnier when you add in sound effects from Street Fighter II. Is it wrong that I love watching children get injured? Is it even more wrong that I created a 'kidsgettinghurt' folder on my del.icio.us account, a decision that implies I intend to find more movies of injury to children?

Speaking of kids, if you think kids these days just don't play outside enough, you may be right, as that article highlights how the distance parents let their kids wander has shrunk from miles to backyards.

That's such a drastic loss that I almost wish there was an easy tool to make ridiculous unit conversions. Oh, wait, there is. It can tell you that I weigh roughly .15 whale testicles and I am .222 (repeating, of course) Oscar Mayer Weinermobiles tall.

Men have weiners, and any man in the audience can probably appreciate Big Daddy Drew's Father's Day plans. Yeah, this is late, but the cologne that smells like gunpowder kills me every time. Badass.

Speaking of badass, the new Die Hard movie is pretty good. But I don't think it'll be as good as Ben Stiller's classic parody of the franchise. Remember when he was funny? Before he did crappy cartoons?

Speaking of cartoons, go see Ratatouille now. I can't say enough nice things about it. I would rate it as just as good as Incredibles but not quite as good as Finding Nemo or Monsters, Inc., one of my favorite movies ever, as I've illustrated with this graph:



That looks harsh, until you realize it's out of scale compared to all other children's movies:



While I'm at it, Slate also had a nice slideshow about the excellence that is Brad Bird. It takes a special director to make soup preparation utterly thrilling -- by a rat, no less! If I had my way, Remy the Rat would take Mickey's place as the icon of Disney. Though I don't think that would work out. Walt Disney was a sexist asshole. But we already knew that. Remy the Rat is too nice to be such a dick.

Speaking of things that can carry disease, you all should also go see Sicko. It's easily Moore's best since Roger & Me and he blessedly stays the hell out of the way, letting other people who have been screwed by the insurance industry do the talking. It's brilliant, tragic, hilarious, and infuriating, and you can watch it (the whole thing!) for free (legally, even!) right here. So you have no excuse. Only people who hate Michael Moore on principle can hate this movie. While his proposed solution is far from perfect and doesn't hit on everything, goddamn is the movie powerful.

Speaking of powerful, if you're a GMail convert (If you aren't on Gmail and want an invite, leave a comment and I'll fix you up), you can consolidate all your disparate emails into Gmail (including having Gmail send outgoing replies "from" the address that received it) to have all your email in one place. This is especially handy if you have to use a bunch of different addresses and mail clients for pleasure, school, and work emails and want them all in one place. Saucy.

Speaking of saucy, I want an iPhone really bad... as soon as it holds as much music as full-size iPods and isn't on the tin-cans-and-string cellular network. Those commercials lie!, but I admit they make me chuckle (and the girls in those spots are pretty hawt ... man I'm pathetic).

Speaking of pathetic, have you ever stumbled on a car taking up more than their fair share of the parking lot? Well, Youparklikeanasshole is the most fun way to rat them out. It even has notices you can print out and leave on offending cars. Probably don't want to do it if the driver can see you. Caveat emptor.

Speaking of cars, this blog post runs down some incredible car commercials, including the infamous Honda "Cog" spot, the grocery parking lot defense, and this incredible Honda spot that I hadn't seen before.

Still on cars, Consumerist posted a very thorough essay that explains why gas is so expensive. Summary: it's not the gas station's fault; it's every other step in the process that is actively out to screw you. Maybe it's time to go back to walking or public transport.

Speaking of traveling, if you're heading home for the holiday, you might want to look into this tutorial and this one about how to get your parents' computer free of ad-, mal-, and spy-ware. If your parents are like mine, their compys will need it. Badly. Stop using Internet Explorer for heaven's sake!

If you must drive on your trip back home, you should fire up some Pearl Jam on the iPod and try to figure out the lyrics to "Yellow Ledbetter".

You should also pack some maps, and you can find a ton of insane ones on this blog. Be sure you have a lot of time to waste, since there's tons of cool stuff on there, including a clever visual of online communities and a very compelling reason to study the cartography of Hannover.

While we're talking about graphical abstractions and wastes of time, you can lose hours in the "Stick Figures in Peril" photostream. Lots of funny ones, although I have yet to see the infamous "Beware Flying Bats and Balls" sign that has a stick figure getting whacked with a baseball... but this one is close. (It might have been caused by Jedi Baseball.)

Speaking of safety, if you're listing something to sell on Craigslist and don't want to put your phone number on the greater Intertubes, use this service to create a free forwarding number to keep your real number private. I also found a nifty way to keep your laptop private with a relatively inconspicuous FedEx envelope.

While you're on Craigslist, if you need to airbrush your picture for your personal ad (and you have Photoshop, natch), this tutorial can show you how in a ridiculous amount of detail. This should also show you how to never trust any picture you find online ever. You might find yourself with someone like this toothless harpy and end up on FOX reality television programming.

Speaking of things the cat wouldn't drag in -- I know... I'm reaching -- well, I don't want to spoil it, so just watch the video. If you get anything from this post, make it this:



And while we're on the joys of youth, remember as a parting word of advice that if you must show a "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" banner at a school function, the Supreme Court says you're better off with something like this.

Some website housekeeping

Please forgive the following wankery about the site's minor redesign:

Blogger has been kind enough to finally allow easier and more extensive customization to their templates, so you'll be seeing some changes around here.

I've already added a customized site banner to spruce things up and differentiate this site from all the countless others using this template.

I'm still tweaking the color scheme overall, so don't think you're going nuts if links and headers and such change colors suddenly. Blogger keeps suggesting ugly ass orange for some things and I can't have too much of that.

The sidebar is totally revamped. I've added a set of images showing some of the books, DVDs and CDs I've had in rotation that I think you should check out. The images don't link to anything intuitive like Amazon; they link to my Flickr account where they're tagged as "inrotation" with notes about what they are (in case you don't immediately recognize that I want you to listen to Wilco's latest album). Until I get a dedicated host for my stolen images (thanks, Amazon!) it'll have to do.

I've also greatly expanded my link list to include lots more of my sources of joy and strange news. If you read this and have a web site and you feel you have been unjustly left off, let me know and I'll fix it ASAP.

There's also a link roll from my del.icio.us account. I'm new to this social bookmarking thing; at the moment I mainly use it as a dump for tutorials and guides (particularly for Mac, web, and interface design stuff) that I don't want to lose track of. But I'll also save cool stuff like a searchable database of Calvin and Hobbes cartoons (try searching for "snowflake", "f-14", "snowman" and "raccoon" for some of my favorites) or funny t-shirts, or awesome articles about action movie one-liners. I also know that my tagging system is haphazard at best... I'm going to work out a better, more consistent way to keep them all straight.

Oh, and if you wanted to check my profile now, I use the word 'cock.' You'll just have to look and see how.

And now for something even more pointless:



Always funny.

My half-completed to-do lists

Here's another pile of links and recommendations presented in the form of works-in-progress.

I make a lot of lists...

Reading List
1. The Sandman by Neil Gaiman
2. Bone: One Volume Edition by Jeff Smith
3. Don't Make Me Think by Steve Krug
4. The World is Flat by Tom Friedman
5. The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan
6. The Design of Everyday Things by Donald Normand

Video Games to Beat (as represented by links to video game comics and YouTube videos)
1. Metal Gear Solid 3
2. God of War 2
3. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
4. Guitar Hero 2 (on Expert) (If you've every played the game, you really need to witness the utter insanity of that video)
5. Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker (yes, still...)

Music To Enjoy
1. Wilco - "Sky Blue Sky" (People hold fierce Wilco positions, so the comments get a little crazy by hipster rock standards. Just skip to the wonderful comment titled "Better than Revolver and Dark Side of the Moon")
2. Ted Leo & The Pharmacists - "Living with the Living"
3. Penguin Café Orchestra - "Preludes, Airs, and Yodels"

Action Movies I know were or will be retarded but enjoy anyway
1. XXX
2. Crank
3. The Protector (Argue with me that this 4-minute uncut battle isn't one of the coolest ever)
4. Unleashed
5. Live Free or Die Hard

Childhood Heroes To Mourn
1. Mr. Rogers (If you read any one link, read that one.)
2. Captain Kangaroo
3. Mr. Wizard
4. Optimus Prime
5. Darkwing Duck

Excessive Home Office Equipment to Purchase
1. 20" Widescreen LCD Monitor
2. Ridiculous ergonomic keyboard
3. Ridiculous ergonomic mouse
4. 30" Apple Cinema Display
5. Two of #4
6. A personal tank (Ok, for this one you must read the first few user reviews.)

Events to Witness
1. Pretty White Girl dies under tragically ridiculous circumstances. EVERYBODY PANIC! BAN EVERYTHING!
2. Someone recreates the LOTR Battle of Helm's Deep with candy
3. Olympic Committee unveils logo that looks like Lisa Simpson blowing a slot machine. . .
4. . . . that gives people seizures

5. Paris Hilton realizes her lack of worth
6. A baby buffalo survives an attack by a pack of lions. . . and an alligator.
7. The greatest day of a courtroom reporter's life
8. Ragnarok

Jobs To Have
1. "Can You Hear Me Now" guy a.k.a. Network Technician
2. Drone a.k.a. Corporate Insurance Underwriter
3. Hater of all humanity a.k.a. Waiter
4. Staffwriter a.k.a. very bad journalist
5. Asshole a.k.a. Web Designer
6. Hero a.k.a. The Daily Show or The Onion Writer
7. Hero a.k.a. X-Man

The Link Roundup

Since I've been doing anything but work this past week, I thought I might share the love and give you all some reading material this weekend.


First, it's not a blog post around here unless someone is mocking Star Wars. This link also mocks stamp collectors at the same time. Double bonus!

If you're think websites could look more interesting, well, you're right. Here are sixty website designs that really show the kind of visual pizazz and refinement that a graphic designer can bring to even the plainest or most poorly designed websites. (Those last two were courtesy the gang at The Big Noob.)

Speaking of design, did you know the Helvetica typeface is 50 years old this year? Let us celebrate in a clean, efficient manner.

Google continues their campaign to spy on your every moment. Or at least take pictures of your cat. Or leaving a strip club. Eeep. Since the big story involves a cat, you could expect the LOLCatters to jump in.

Speaking of cats, I found another LOLCat that's worth a chuckle if quantum theory is your thing.

In NY Times Most Emailed Town, the Gray Lady is kind enough to justify slacking off at work (thank God!), loves the crap out of Knocked Up, takes a moment to describe me, and provides a stunning example of how a picture can make a story. You can also have some fun calculating your economic class and prestige; the relative prestige levels are the most fun. Apparently writers are prestigious. Could have fooled me.

Speaking of the New York Times, The Onion really nailed it with this summary of the 'Most E-Mailed' list. They've also been ruthless in their mockery -- both indirect and slightly more blatant -- of Barry Bonds.

Speaking of sports, if you're not reading Deadspin, you're missing out on some of the most fun on the interbang. Just today they were kind enough to point out that LeBron James is not of this world, that there's a good reason to get interested in pole vaulting (who knew?? Here's some more on Miss Stokke. I know, and you're welcome.) And, self-aware to the bloody end, they even tear themselves and all other sports blogs a new one. AJ Daulerio truly is the balls. And I haven't even touched on the fun you can have if you follow the comments. Deadspin is the only one of two (the other is a FARK Photoshop contest) places on the interweb that I encourage people to follow the comments. As their editor says, the commenters provide about 76% of the entertainment on any given day.

Let me just get this out there: if Rupert Murdoch buys my precious Wall Street Journal, there's a good chance I'll never read it again. Like hell is he going to get my 9.95 a month.

While I'm on Slate, they continue being the masters of miscellany with wonderful slide show of church signs. The also explain the high suicide rate in Japan. Expect a follow up about the high suicide rate in Cleveland if the Cavs can't bring in one more win this weekend.

Did you see that you can buy tracks without copy protection on iTunes as of this week? Well, you might want to hold off on that. Also, if you've wanted an excuse to brush your teeth with milkshakes, you can thank China for the excuse.

Dan Carlson cracked me up quite a bit with his strategy to take down Ken Jennings (who also has a blog, if you were curious), recounts his first trip to a gay nightclub, thanks me for humoring him, and receives a harsh but deserved letter from HR.

If you use Gmail and Firefox, do yourself a favor and pick up the Greasemonkey extension and Lifehacker's Better Gmail tool to really take advantage of it. Lots of nifty little options and hacks, including new Gmail skins (I'm partial to Airstream), extra keyboard shortcuts, built-in TinyURL support, attachment icons, and a handy tool that reminds you to actually attach files if you typed "See attached" in your email. Priceless!

Finally, my favorite new blog catches some workplace smartasses in action. As a frequent author of passive aggressive notes in the workplace, I approve this message.

I'd like to think this will bring the lolcats phenomenon to its logical conclusion

The LOLCats must be stopped.

Have no idea what I'm talking about? Slate has an informative slide-show about the phenomenon.

I didn't really laugh at them at all until one of my favorite Pajiba writers submitted a list of phrases that don't hold up to lolcat pidgin.

With that inspiration and the power of the creative commons license (Thank you, Flickr), I present to you my one and only entry into image macros, proof that not all things can be made cuter with poor grammar and kitties:



Phrase courtesy of Dan Carlson and original image courtesy of Homingpigen, via Creative Commons license, on Flickr.

o hai i iz photoshop mastah.

You finally made a monkey out of me

What a twist!



If you simultaneously need to a) spoil movies for people; and b) wear a shirt, then Threadless has just the shirt for you:



In case you're wondering, it spoils: Star Wars; Planet of the Apes; The Usual Suspects; The Wicker Man; The Crying Game; The Sixth Sense; Harry Potter 6; Dallas "Who Shot J.R.?"; The Matrix; Fight Club; 300; Citizen Kane; The Others; Psycho; Soylent Green; The Village; A Beautiful Mind; Donnie Darko.

So if you haven't seen/read any of those, you probably shouldn't have read any of this.

... crap.

Spoilt by Oliver Moss [Threadless]

People have too much spare time

While I'm stuck in the lab, thank god for folks that have enough time to create movies about Mario getting strung out on mushrooms and stars and mistreating the princess. Must watch:



This is pretty much hilarious 90% of the time, which makes it 9 million percent better than the average video on YouTube.

[Mario: Game Over] courtesy of DeadSpin and Kotaku.

Why, the tyrant King George, of course!

Been watching The Office? You really should. Since Arrested Development ended, The Office is easily the funniest sitcom on TV these days.

Like this clip, which probably gave me the biggest laugh of the year so far, as Dwight tries to catch a Ben Franklin impersonator in the act:



In fact, any Jim/Dwight interplay is almost invariably the best part of any office episode, as this sneak from this week's episode shows:



Here's a nice collection of clips. My all-time favorite Jim/Dwight confrontation shows up around the 5:30 (2:20 remaining on the embedded player) mark:



I take it back. Jim mugging for the camera is the best part of any episode. Unless Creed is involved:





Or Toby...



It's a good show with a good variety of solid characters. You can't go wrong.

Shitty Mixtape In Action

Here's some wonderful lunacy from the gentlemen behind that new MTV show HUMAN GIANT (yes, it must be in all caps). The gist of it is the guys held a contest to pick 5 shitty songs for a mixtape. The tapes were judged for (poor) quality, and the loser had to walk around town blasting all the songs on a boombox. Must watch, especially if you didn't get enough Miami Sound Machine from this week's American Idol:



And, for the record, here would be my five songs I would absolutely not want to blast on a boombox (but since I'm a pseudo music snob, I've allowed a +1 slot for obscure indie tracks):

1. Goo Goo Dolls – "Iris"
2. Cardigans – "Lovefool"
3. Night Ranger – "Sister Christian"
4. Heart – "Crazy On You"
5. Avril Lavigne – "Skater Boi"

+1. Tegan & Sara – "Walking With A Ghost"


And since I never do music lists without a consult, here would be Scott's 5 +1:

1. Vengaboys – "We Like To Party"
2. Survivor – "Burning Heart"
3. Tiffany – "I Think We're Alone Now"
4. 4 Non Blondes – "What's Up?"
5. Verve Pipe – "The Freshman"

+1. Piebald – "American Hearts" (look it up on iTunes.... trust me)


By the way, while scanning my iTunes library, I rediscovered that I own the Woody Woodpecker theme... it's 3 minutes long!! How unreasonable is that?

[Full disclosure: I own every song mentioned here except Piebald--no one should own them. Just because I don't want to blast a song on a boombox is not a sign that I don't like it.]

We're going to a laser show: a tribute to "Utopia Parkway"

Something's wrong with this picture: One of the nicest days of the year today, the kind of day where all the motorcycles and convertibles come out and everyone remembers that they liked going out for ice cream... and it'll be 24 degrees Thursday night. No fair! How am I supposed to drive around with the windows down blasting Fountains of Wayne (and Journey, of course) when it's sub-freezing? I guess I'll have to find ways to pass the time... In honor of today's release of the new Fountains of Wayne album "Traffic and Weather," I've decided to kick off a new recurring column: 47 life-changing albums that you must own, presented in no particular order whenever I feel like it. Those riders always get ya, don't they? Anywho, let's kick things off right with #16: Fountains of Wayne Utopia Parkway One of my missions in life has been to make Fountains of Wayne the bona-fied uber pop stars they deserve to be. Yeah, yeah, I know. "Stacy's Mom," the best simultaneous tribute to The Cars and MILFs ever written, was pretty big a few years back. In fact, here's the video: You're welcome. Favorite moment? The little eyebrow lift at 1:55 in time with the power chord hit. Brilliant. But the greatness of Fountains of Wayne goes deeper. You probably know more of them than you think. Remember that highly irresistible, so-catchy-it-only-leaves-your-head-upon-a-solid-bludgeoning pop nugget from That Thing You Do!? FoW's bassist Adam Schlessinger wrote that. This video also marks probably the first time an imaginary Columbus, Ohio radio station has been featured as a hitmaker in a music video (about a minute in). Was Steve Zahn in that movie? Hmm, I may have to revise my wholly unjustified hatred of him. On top of that movie gem, Schlessinger was also behind most of the music in this year's Music and Lyrics. If only the world knew that Hugh and Drew fell in love while writing a FoW song. Now that I've established that you already know and love FoW, allow me to introduce you to their best album, Utopia Parkway. This one is way up there in my "Most Played" playlist in iTunes. The title track starts, over stacatto piano and drums

Well I've been saving for a custom van and I've been playing in a cover band and my baby doesn't understand why I never turned from boy to man

And builds from there in full power pop splendor with starry-eyed wonder at the joy of playing in a band. The day I start my own cover band, this song is going to be my freaking anthem. The real strength of Fountains of Wayne is truly the eye for detail in the lyrics. Most songs are stories stuffed with odd specifics and exquisite details that help you relate to the protagonists. "Red Dragon Tattoo," for example, follows someone that gets an intricate piece of body art to impress an indifferent lady:

Will you stop pretending I've never been born now that I look a little more like that guy from Korn?

Or "Hat and Feet," which puts bad news from your significant other in terms relatable to anyone who's seen a Bugs Bunny cartoon:

You dropped a bomb on me I didn't even see Like a falling piano from out of a window Now I'm just a hat and feet. Flat on the sidewalk, stuck to the street.

Or the aptly titled "Laser Show"

We're gonna sit back. Relax. Watch the stars. James and Jason, Kirk and Lars. We're going to make our may across the galaxy. Then we're going to head back home on the L.I.E.

Their songs aren't just about dating, although they could almost certainly coast on that theme for another 60 years and still write more interesting songs than Nickelback ever will. No, they sometimes put the crosshairs on suburban malaise, like in the vicious "Valley of the Malls" (which should win some kind of award for the title alone):

God forgive the passengers if we should fail to find a penny fountain or a half-off sale I need a merchant, I've just started searching for the holy grail Fighting for the freedom from a common bond To be a barracuda in a guppy pond So little time for so many things to try on. And we're leaving all the road for dead We're getting tired of the twists and turns You gotta go when human nature calls We're driving through the valley of the malls.

By the time the album winds through the appropriately meta "Prom Theme" and the turned-to-11 bouncy "It Must Be Summer," the closing track "The Senator's Daughter" sends you off with a nice, longing lullaby, complete with acoustic guitar and mellotron:

I'm floating away on oceans of gray blue water I'm rising above, I'm falling in love with the senator's daughter

It was at this point that I willfully misheard that lyric as "I'm falling in love with Fountains of Wayne." Once you let Fountains of Wayne into your life, trust me, the days will seem brighter, food will taste better, and your salvation is guaranteed. Go forth. Bonus FoW treat: Although Utopia Parkway is one of my all-time favorite albums, I feel like I can't leave without mentioning that their all-time best song is on their third album, "Welcome Interstate Managers." That would be "Hey Julie," a syrup-y pile of soft percussion, acoustic guitars, and cuteness that makes me both go a big rubbery one and want to date some girl named Julie. Some soul was nice enough to put in a rudimentary music "video" on YouTube:

Mashups!

The beauty of the internet is that you're incredibly likely to find someone that shares your interests.

If you're really lucky, you'll find people that share several of your interests and combine them in interesting ways.

For example, (warning! this link is a Flash animation with sound!) this guy has found a way to combine typography, vector art, and animals—all things that I love dearly.

For another example, (possibly NSFW!) this graphic designer has found a way to combine two of my loves: typography and nudity. Can typography tits be considered not safe for work? Photoshop-censored example below:




For my final mash-up that I want to share, this filmmaker clearly shares my enjoyment of statistics and ridiculousness.



The preview doesn't do this justice, so be sure to check out the entire flick.

Have a good week, all.