Anarchy in the USA

Be very afraid.

Why, you ask?

What you see above is my copy of the American Community Survey from the Dept. of Commerce.

My answers determine where your tax dollars go. Roads, schools, employment programs, you name it. They base those decisions in part on the results of this survey.

You don't want me to have this power. I wield power poorly. My managerial style could best be described as begging my subordinates not to kill me. Some chipmunks can outwit me. I screw up the preparation of Pop Tarts. I think at one point I voted for Nader. NADER!

I'm sorry in advance.

Care to guess what was in my iTunes shopping cart?

These days I use my iTunes shopping cart as a wishlist of sorts. I don't buy it very often, so right now there's a lot of stuff in there after I've recovered from the financial strain of moving and starting a new job.

The music I've been meaning to buy must be some pretty eclectic stuff, because this is what I saw last time I took a peek:



The Spin Doctors and Proclaimers seem reputable, but "Peanut Butter Jelly Time"???

What on earth powers their recommendation algorithm? And why would I ever pay real money for "Peanut Butter Jelly Time"?

Anyway, I haven't cleared out the cart yet. Care to take a guess at what's in there?

My name is Eel and I approved this message

Via Slate:



Run splel cehck, jeaniyus.

Here's the original ad.

Al Queda knows that our bases have streets and planes. We're losing the war on terror!

"I think they can see us"

The military has banned Google Maps from taking 'Street View' pictures of military bases.

Call me crazy or a traitor or a communist, but what's the harm?

Terrorist on a computer: "Mohammed! Come quick! I have Googled the infidels' military bases and I can see what's there! Yup, they've got barracks. There's some guy's Humvee that's double parked. I pan around and I see runways. That means, by deduction, that they probably have... yes! Planes! They have planes!

Or, uh, had planes. This picture is probably at least weeks old so they could have moved it.

Um, there are some other buildings...

...

...

... this is all very obvious and tactically useless."

But because this is surely the work of our brilliant homeland security department, don't count on being able to use Google Earth or Google Maps for much longer. Considering we're told day in and day out that all of America is in danger, our easy access to satellite imagery is probably not long for this earth.

No Enjoyment for Overstimulated Assholes

My imaginary rebuttal to the snap review of No Country for Old Men from a young, male, audience member who spent the entire quiet, contemplative, solemn film talking on his goddamn cell phone.

[Upon witnessing the ending of a haunting, beautifully crafted film that has an ending scene that is as perfect and thought-provoking as it is thoroughly lacking a tidy resolution or happy ending]
Asshole in audience: That's it? Is there a second act? Have they planned a sequel? What a fuckin' waste of time!
Me [in my mind]: Dude, the new Larry the Cable Guy movie is down the hall.

I thought of that one two minutes later in the car. Jerk store would have smoked that guy.

Also, I'm done with grad school and about to be gainfully employed, so look for me to finally get back to this blog in the near future.

[Crickets]

No one reading anymore? I thought so.

Oh yeah! Tang!

Until yesterday I would have told you that the best Kool-Aid Man joke would be this classic from the pilot episode of Family Guy:



Until today, when I found out that Robot Chicken trumped it:

How old are you?

So, I turned 26 the other week. Up until now it's felt like 25, only more so. Until I read this article from the Wall Street Journal:

Facebook, with a stripped-down aesthetic well-attuned to grown-up sensibilities, is graying. The company won't be precise about the average age of its users, but it will say that the oldest age-group it tracks -- users 25 and older -- is also its fastest-growing.

...

I'm in the oldest demographic that Facebook cares about.

Holy shit that makes me feel old.

Hey, I still have a blog

[Crawls out from under a mountain of work]

Whoa, there's still light up here.

Seems like everyone needs some laughs these days, so have some random videos from Robot Chicken:

Like this 300 parody:



Or maybe this immensely funny Final Fantasy VII spoof that had me rolling on the floor, but I can't embed it for some reason.

And, finally, how to deal with impending death:

Oh, and since you can't top reality, did you know that James Lipton was an I-swear-I'm-not-making-this-up French pimp:



Words fail me on that one.

Phew. See you all in a month or so.

It's not a semester unless I'm terrorizing campus somehow

With apologies to AJ Daulerio, I present my latest student newspaper column: upcoming fake celebrity feuds to watch out for:

Clickety here to go to the article. [via The Tartan]

OK, light post, but if you haven't seen this yet, it's probably the funniest internet video in a long time (NSFW if you can't have naughty language blaring from the speakers):

The iPod paradox of choice; or Waaaaah which pointless luxury good will make me happier??

I'm behind on my work since I spent all afternoon drooling over the new iPods.

Well, not the new Ipod Nano. I imagine it feels good in the hand but seems to have lost the very nice proportions of the old ones be hideously ugly. And are you really going to watch video on that tiny screen? Gimme the old ones any day.

But cripes, Apple, you had to make things difficult, didn'tcha? I own a current 60GB iPod. Come upgrade time, do I a) buy a 160GB iPod Classic and take care of my music storage needs for, say, the next 5-10 years but without any cool new features; or b) Go with the drool-worthy, internet-connected iPod Touch but have to settle for only 16gb of storage at a time?

I mean, it's a stunning interface but I don't know if I could take the portable storage hit. I love having all my music available at all times. And "iPod Touch" is such a lazy name; was "WiFiPod" taken? That's what I'm going to call it anyway.

Tough choices. I don't think I could say "No" to either of them. But I'll take my WiFiPod without the Macy Gray:



Much better.