Call me crazy or a traitor or a communist, but what's the harm?
Terrorist on a computer: "Mohammed! Come quick! I have Googled the infidels' military bases and I can see what's there! Yup, they've got barracks. There's some guy's Humvee that's double parked. I pan around and I see runways. That means, by deduction, that they probably have... yes! Planes! They have planes!
Or, uh, had planes. This picture is probably at least weeks old so they could have moved it.
Um, there are some other buildings...
...
...
... this is all very obvious and tactically useless."
But because this is surely the work of our brilliant homeland security department, don't count on being able to use Google Earth or Google Maps for much longer. Considering we're told day in and day out that all of America is in danger, our easy access to satellite imagery is probably not long for this earth.
Awww, man. The New York Times has discovered the true identity of the blogger known as Fake Steve Jobs (Tagline: Dude, I invented the friggin' iPhone. Have you heard of it?).
Here's the short story:
1) Anonymous blogger adopts persona of Steve Jobs, founder of Apple
2) Fake Steve does not hold back. Writes hilarious, bitter posts mocking, well, everyone.
3) Remainder of bloggers split two ways: a) The true identity of Fake Steve is our Holy Grail! We must find it and share its bounty! or b) Don't unmask him! You'll ruin the fun!
4) Almost a year later, Times reporter Brad Stone takes a week or so to figure it out. Here's the evidence, a combination of writing tics, location, and other slips that led to the unmasking.
5) Fake Steve owns up to being Daniel Lyons, an editor at Forbes magazine. Of course, he takes a stab at the blogosphere while he's at it:
One bright side is that at least I was busted by the Times and not Valleywag. I really, really enjoyed seeing those guys keep guessing wrong. For six months Dr. Evil and Mr. Bigglesworth put their big brains together and couldn't come up with the answer. Guy from the Times did it in a week. So much for the trope about smarty-pants bloggers disrupting old media.
I'm kind of sad, but it gives me an excuse to dump all the links I've been hoarding of Fake Steve's best posts since I started reading a few months ago:
[This is] a product that makes you smarter and, well, better than other people. Can't do that if everyone has one, right?
We figured we could keep things under control using our usual overpricing strategy. Who in their right mind was going to shell out 600 bucks for a friggin phone, right? Especially if it lacks all sorts of features that people really want. Just to be doubly sure we put it on the AT&T network and gave it an unbearably slow wireless connection so that Web browsing is practically impossible. Well, much to our amazement, it turns out there are just loads and loads of people willing to spend 600 bucks on a feature-lite phone as long as it has one crucial feature, which is our Apple logo on the outside. Who knew?
Here's the thing. These guys could have done what we did. In the early days of the Internet, everyone figured the majors would build digital distribution arms. But they didn't do it, because they didn't understand technology, and they didn't want to invest in building this expertise, and they were freaked out about piracy and paralyzed with fear. So we stepped in. We made the big investment. We hired programmers. We developed software that's easy to use and works flawlessly. (If you think that's trivial, think again. It's huge.) We ran the system. We promoted it, we marketed it, we haggled with all the majors and struck deals. We took all the risk, which was considerable. Now we're reaping the reward. And the majors want a bigger slice. Um, for what? We did all the work. Ain't gonna happen, slick.
Here's the back story. The music companies are in a dying business, and they know it. Sure, they act all cool because they hang around with rock stars. But beneath all the glamour these guys are actually operating two very low-tech businesses. One is a form of loan-sharking: they put up money to make records, then force recording artists to pay the money back with exorbitant interest. The other business is distribution. They’ve got big warehouses and they control the shipment of little plastic boxes that happen to have music in them.
The guys running the labels are pretty stupid -- most are just dirtbags who started out as band managers or promoters -- but now at long last they are kinda sorta finally vaguely getting clued in to the fact that both parts of their business model are fucked. Their loan-sharking business is being eliminated by low-cost digital recording technology that lets people make an album for very little money. And by letting us build the online music store they've taken themselves out of the distribution business. In the days of vinyl and then CDs, the labels managed to control the value chain by having loads of retailers in a highly fragmented market, and playing them off each other. In the digital world they've got us. And that's it.
Pretty brilliant, if you ask me. I hope Mr. Lyons stays this insightful post-unmasking.
I've written about airport security before, but this takes the cake. If you want to hack into an airport's computer system, they're kind enough to advertise that it'd be pretty easy.
UPDATE: And, since I'm kind of a photoshop expert, allow me to go for the easy joke:
Watch this entertaining video (courtesy The Consumerist) about a man that was smart enough to videotape being stuck on the runway for almost 7 hours in a plane:
DELTA CEO: "I feel like going for a plane ride today." [Picks up phone.] "Yes, I'd like 2 tickets... one for me and one for that suspicious-looking guy that works in IT... yeah, yeah, the one with the beard and the crazy eyes. ... tell him it's a business lunch."
[Scene: Airplane interior. Delta CEO and Suspicious IT Employee are sitting next to one another in coach]
CEO: "Thanks for joining me on this not-at-all-strange midair business lunch."
SITE: "Oh, no problem. It's nice to get out sometimes. And with the CEO, no less!"
CEO: "Of course. Would you mind taking a picture of me?"
SITE: "Sure thing, boss!"
[CEO hands camera to employee]
CEO: "HELP! This suspicious-looking man with a beard and crazy eyes is trying to learn the secrets of air travel! Homeland Security! Batman! George W. Bush! Any properly diligent citizen! Stop him!"
[A puff of smoke appears. Dick Cheney emerges from the blackness]
CHENEY: "We have underestimated terror. Clearly it wishes to expose the foibles of modern air travel through the black magic of 'film' and 'moving pictures.' I banish thee to Gitmo, Guillermo del Terror!"
[Lightning flies from his fingers and strikes Employee, who disappears.]
CHENEY: "Furthermore I ban all cameras, camcorders, and camera phones from planes! Or else terror will win!"
While I wasn't working this afternoon, I saw an interesting use of ellipses in a USA Today article about Michael Jordan praising LeBron James:
James was thrilled to learn of Jordan's approval. "It's great any time you get praise from the guy who basically laid down all the stones for you to get here," James said. "I grew up idolizing his game and how he played . . . basketball."
Huh? What got cut out in those ellipses at the end?
I have some theories:
". . . how he played and by the way, I think I'm much better than him at basketball."
". . . how he played. If you're from Cleveland, I'm the feel-good story of the year. I'm just like Omar Epps' NBA superstar character in that movie Love & Basketball."
". . . how he played. And on a personal note, after game 5 against Detroit I'd like to see more in the news about how the combined weight of my balls is roughly that of a basketball."
". . . how he played with unsuspecting little boys. Oh, wait. I wasn't talking about the MJ that played basketball."
As I'm sure you've heard by now, the Post Office has come out with a non-value first class stamp called the "Forever" stamp. 41 cents per stamp now will send a first-class letter for life with that baby.
Absolutely not. Since 1971, postal rates have increased more slowly than the actual inflation rate, as measured by the U.S. Consumer Price Index. So, despite the numerous rate hikes over the last 36 years, stamps have actually been getting cheaper. ... Should this historical pattern hold, you'd be paying more for today's forever stamps than you would for any stamp in the future, no matter how high the rate goes.
In fact, this pattern must hold—as a matter of law. In December, President Bush signed the Postal Accountability and Enhancement Act, which ensures that future price increases will be kept below an inflation-based ceiling. In other words, postage hikes will never surpass inflation—and the forever stamp will never become a good investment.
Related: can we please call a moratorium on complaining about the cost of postage? Last time I checked, the ability to send a letter anywhere in the country and have it get there in a few days (even Saturday!) for only 41 cents is a miracle. You can't even get a soda for that price anymore.
Side note: anyone catch The Office finale? 1) I've never been happier with the writers' decision to make Ryan a douchebag. 2) Dear NBC: Give Creed a blog. For real. 3) I guess something big happened between Jim and Pam as well.
Newest online "security" feature that is bound to fail: those "Verify Your Age" forms that where you put in your birthday to A) verify that you're 18, or however old you have to be (some beer sites check if you're 21); B) test if you're capable of second-grade math.
I don't know if anyone else had this experience, but turning 18 merely meant that I didn't feel as guilty when I told the porn sites that, yes indeed, I was old enough to be looking. Just sayin'...
Dear internets: give people some credit. Especially now that these time-wasting surveys are slapped on everything from beer sites to YouTube videos with naughty language.
I also considered that these things could just be ploys to get demographic data for advertisers--have to get that 18–34 male demo! If that's the case, I just like to screw with them:
I figure if they use this to target advertisements, saying I'm 98 will merely increase the number of targeted ads I receive for Fiber One and pralines while keeping the amount of adds for penile enlargement creams roughly the same.
There's a preview for Spiderman 3 that's hitting the video sites. If you want to watch it, I've posted it below-- the first half is some story scenes and the second half is a battle. It has some minor spoilers, so if you don't want to know anything about the movie until May 4, skip this one.
Holy shnikes that looked pretty awesome, didn't it? It's good to see director Sam Raimi still shows that same love of details in the midst of big chaos.
Based on this preview, some of my fears have been calmed. I mean, Spidey 3 looks like it'll be pretty busy -- how many bad guys again? I counted Green Goblin 2, Venom, that clay guy...-- but it looks like it'll still be fun.
In fact, I'll throw this out there: could Sam Raimi be the only modern filmmaker capable of pulling off the trilogy?
My two caveats to this theory: Lord of the Rings doesn't count since it was three books, so it was a ready-made trilogy that just needed a big budget and an epic-minded but fastidiously attentive director to make it happen. And Final Destination... although it is glorious Rube Goldberg-inspired murder porn that has kept up the mayhem for 3 movies, it's had different writers/directors each time around. Same deal with Terminator 3, which was a good popcorn flick with a "Oh no they di'n't!" ending but no James Cameron.
Otherwise, think about it. Godfather 3 might as well have never happened. Back To The Future sputtered by the end. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was only good for 15 minutes. The Matrix got bogged down in its own mythology. I'll give the benefit of the doubt to Austin Powers, but the sequels never really reached the heights of the original. No other comedy trilogy is worth mentioning (Beverly Hills Cop 3? Major League: Back To The Minors anyone?). I dunno what'll happen to Pirates of the Caribbean, but the over-long, over-conflicted second entry hasn't filled me with confidence.
The only other trilogies I can think of that have worked have been Evil Dead for consistently ramping up the ludicrous horror kitsch... and potentially Spiderman. All Sam Raimi.
And Star Wars... oh, Star Wars... of the original trilogy, all I have to say is, "Ewoks." I don't want to hear it. They're not cute; they're a shameless marketing gimmick. After the dark and relatively nuanced Empire, Jedi was a hell of a disappointment.
And I don't think anyone would disagree with my assertion that, box office receipts notwithstanding, the prequel trilogy was nothing but an interminable failure throughout.
Sample dialog:
Anakin: Padme, I love loving you as much as a loving love river can erode a deep loving love canyon into the love ground.
Padme: Awww, I love the loving way you love me. By the way, I think you're evil and I'm going to make a blatant, cloying pander to the audience's memory of the first trilogy by implying that you might kill Obi Wan Kenobi.
Anakin: Awww, don't say that. I could never kill Obi Wan Kenobi and let the dramatic irony of what I just said be the only decent part of this entire trilogy.
Padme: Aww, I wub you.
Although, I'll give Star Wars this: It's inspired a whole cottage industry of internet videos, some of which are actually worth watching.
Like this guy, still funny 5 years later:
Or Robot Chicken's airing of grievances about the movies:
Or this recent entry, which between its innovative choreography, (for low budget internet flicks, mind you: this isn't Hero with lightsabers), total absence of retarded dialog, and nice use of physical humor (I won't spoil it, but the 4:23 mark will make your day), is easily better than the entirety of the prequels. Trust me, it's worth the time.
Don't let the 10-minute run time fool you; 3 of those are credits.
Well, actually, if you just Google "ChanAccord" by itself, I'm the only match. I INVENTED SOMETHING!! I made up a word that has been acknowledged by a higher power! I MATTER! WHEEEEE!
Yes folks, that means you get hear through Google's "I'm Feeling Lucky" tool.
It's the small victories in life that count, really.
So, I checked my mail today and found this friendly postcard in my mailbox (These are small, but you'll get the idea...):
Umm, excuse me? How did this ad campaign meeting go? Probably a little like this...
Post Office Ad Exec 1 Hey, Bob, how should we let people know that the current Post Office is fuckin' wired. People can do, like, everything with the internets! We need a clear signal that we're modern and up with the times. What screams "modern"?
Post Office Ad Exec 2 Hmm... what do the kids these days like... are they still into Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?
POAE 1 They must be! Dodge beat us to that one. Kids are all now well aware that their Dodge trucks are fully immmune to computer animated robot attacks.
POAE 2 Damnit! That must be so effective!
POAE 1 I know. Wait... I think I've got something... idea forming...
POAE 2 I think I've got one too! You go first. Whatcha got?
POAE 2 The one that's had the one freaking joke every day since 1976? That no one reads? That no one finds funny? That no one even remembers ever being funny? That rivals Family Circus in sheer level of mockery, satire, and outrightparody?
POAE 1 That's the one.
POAE 2 Sounds great! I had an idea, but let's go with that.
It's too bad they went with Cathy... since Ad Exec 2 had a great idea:
Saddam Hussein Hanged: (Yes, it's "hanged," not "hung.") Although I can't say this is at all surprising, I do feel kind of disappointed. Iraq has a long and illustrious history of wars and takeovers marked by the slaying of the previous leaders; it might have been nice if they broke with that tradition. Maybe try something new, ya know? Do things with a little less killing, eh? I would have let the sucker rot.
Gerry Ford Dies at 93: I was on euphemism watch on this one: I can't find it now, but an early report on this said that Ford died of "heart failure." This is one of my favorite worthless euphemisms for death (right up there with "he has passed." Passed what? His life? His basketball? On the left? I'm unclear; I'm going to need a direct object or a direction here... I digress). Any way, call me crazy, but I think that a heart that lasted 93 years was not a failure. Far from it: that was a damn good heart. If I didn't want to die in a hilarious manner (e.g., falling piano, slip on banana peel, paper cut gone awry) at the age of 39.5, I would want a heart that lasted that long. We should commend Ford's heart for a job well done!
Now, tell me that you aren't thinking what I'm thinking: Kevin Bacon sabotaged Michael Jordan's marriage! Although I don't have all the details yet, here's the backbone of my case:
Proof of relationship: Michael Jordan and Kevin Bacon are unusually close. They share a living space and play basketball, write music, and eat fruit together.
Motive: Michael Jordan is always ruining Kevin Bacon's game, usually by knocking flying doodads away in a pejorative manner. KB clearly must have lusted for vengeance.
Savvy: KB is a musical master that saved Apollo 13 and taught a small town how to dance and appreciate the name "Ren." I think that's all the evidence we need to show that he's got the skills needed to sabotage a marriage; Kevin Bacon knows all.
Someone track down Kevin Bacon. He's got some 'splainin to do.
