Saturday, December 30, 2006

Someone track down Kevin Bacon

Some quick comments on recent news

Saddam Hussein Hanged: (Yes, it's "hanged," not "hung.") Although I can't say this is at all surprising, I do feel kind of disappointed. Iraq has a long and illustrious history of wars and takeovers marked by the slaying of the previous leaders; it might have been nice if they broke with that tradition. Maybe try something new, ya know? Do things with a little less killing, eh? I would have let the sucker rot.

Gerry Ford Dies at 93: I was on euphemism watch on this one: I can't find it now, but an early report on this said that Ford died of "heart failure." This is one of my favorite worthless euphemisms for death (right up there with "he has passed." Passed what? His life? His basketball? On the left? I'm unclear; I'm going to need a direct object or a direction here... I digress). Any way, call me crazy, but I think that a heart that lasted 93 years was not a failure. Far from it: that was a damn good heart. If I didn't want to die in a hilarious manner (e.g., falling piano, slip on banana peel, paper cut gone awry) at the age of 39.5, I would want a heart that lasted that long. We should commend Ford's heart for a job well done!

... too soon?

Michael Jordan and Wife to Divorce: I have perfectly reasonable explanation for this one. Watch this video:

Now, tell me that you aren't thinking what I'm thinking: Kevin Bacon sabotaged Michael Jordan's marriage! Although I don't have all the details yet, here's the backbone of my case:

Proof of relationship: Michael Jordan and Kevin Bacon are unusually close. They share a living space and play basketball, write music, and eat fruit together.

Motive: Michael Jordan is always ruining Kevin Bacon's game, usually by knocking flying doodads away in a pejorative manner. KB clearly must have lusted for vengeance.

Savvy: KB is a musical master that saved Apollo 13 and taught a small town how to dance and appreciate the name "Ren." I think that's all the evidence we need to show that he's got the skills needed to sabotage a marriage; Kevin Bacon knows all.

Someone track down Kevin Bacon. He's got some 'splainin to do.

Finally, I leave you with this perfectly cromulent guide to using Simpsons quotes during bowl season. Good reading, with many laughs and solid examples. May your bowl season be that much embiggened.


cher cher said...

If you want to die by slipping on a banana peel, I'll let you know this now: O'Doyle rules.

And I never noticed it before, but while I was watching that commercial, I see that Michael Jordan is smiling at Kevin Bacon in more of a "just friends" type of way. I think they're flirting. But you totally forgot to mention that the commercial is for UNDERWEAR, and I feel like that is suggestive enough.

I'll see if I can track down Kevin Bacon. After all, I AM only one degree away from him.

Bill said...

Not to get political, but...

Anyone else think it's horribly (ironic) disturbing that we killed Saddam for killing 150 Iraqi civilians? That's what, the number that die in any given week right now?

Don't fuss at me, I'm just saying.