I am long past my New-Every-Two upgrade time for my cellular phone. Although my LG VX-6000 soldiers on, it may be time to cash it in for a shiny new toy.
What are my options? Well, there is the ever-popular Motorola Razor—Nah: too ubiquitous.
Or I could keep it in the LG family and go with the VX-8500 "Chocolate" phone. It's an MP3 player! And a phone! Imagine the ringtone possibilities: I could possibly get even more annoying than my current ringtone trio of "Welcome to the Jungle," "Purple Haze" and "The Final Countdown!"
We might have a winne—
Wait... there are other options for upgrading my phone!
In this corner: the Bang & Olufsen Serene mobile phone!
AAAAAND in this corner: a banana cell-phone holder!!
A hard decision for any man to make. Let's do a feature-by-feature comparison:
Serene: The Serene is the closest we're going to get to an Apple iPhone for now: It's simply stunning. A brushed aluminum exterior, shiny hinge, elegant trapezoidal shape. It puts the Razor to shame.
Banana: It looks like a banana. Fuck you, milk: the banana is one of nature's most perfect foods. Babies might try to eat your phone even more often than they already do. Stupid babies. What do they know?
Advantage: A tough call... I'm not hungry right now, so the Serene gets a point.
Serene: 1 Banana: 0
Serene: For the laziest people on the planet, the Serene features a motor-assisted hinge. You start to open it and the phone will continue to open itself. It also has something that phones have needed for a long time: an iPod-like scroll wheel to move through menus and contacts. How cool is that?
Banana: It makes your old phone look like a banana. How cool is that?
Advantage: The future of cell phones versus a delicious banana.... call it a Tie.
Serene: 2 Banana: 1
Serene: The Serene doesn't use your standard ringtones; it has a collection of crystal-clear wind chimes or woodblock sounds to grab your attention. Unfortunately, you can't program the wind chimes to play "Welcome To The Jungle" or "The Final Countdown." Shame.
Banana: Your regular ringtone... muffled through a plastic banana. Because my regular ringtones are "The Final Countdown" and "Welcome To The Jungle," it still rocks.
Advantage: Chimes are pretty, but they don't match the guitar wankery of Slash. Point to Banana.
Serene: 2 Banana: 2
Serene: If you're seen walking down the street talking into a Serene, I can only assume that women will throw themselves at you to sleep with your stylish self. Tech-obsessed men will, too, if that's your thing.
Banana: If you're seen walking down the street talking into a banana, people will think you're batshit insane and stay out of your way. I don't like people, so that could be nice.
Advantage: On the one hand, I like when women throw themselves—and are not throwing pies—at me. On the other hand, I want to walk down the street yelling into a banana. Tie!
Serene: 3 Banana: 3
Serene: It costs $1250 — I am not making that up — and will be completely obsolete as soon as Apple decides to make a cell phone.
Banana: It costs $10 plus shipping. And seeing someone talk into a banana will always be funny.
Advantage: Banana. Duh.
Serene: 3 Banana: 4
Well, that was easy. If you want me, I'll be the idiot walking down the street using a banana to send text messages.