Someone track down Kevin Bacon

Some quick comments on recent news

Saddam Hussein Hanged: (Yes, it's "hanged," not "hung.") Although I can't say this is at all surprising, I do feel kind of disappointed. Iraq has a long and illustrious history of wars and takeovers marked by the slaying of the previous leaders; it might have been nice if they broke with that tradition. Maybe try something new, ya know? Do things with a little less killing, eh? I would have let the sucker rot.

Gerry Ford Dies at 93: I was on euphemism watch on this one: I can't find it now, but an early report on this said that Ford died of "heart failure." This is one of my favorite worthless euphemisms for death (right up there with "he has passed." Passed what? His life? His basketball? On the left? I'm unclear; I'm going to need a direct object or a direction here... I digress). Any way, call me crazy, but I think that a heart that lasted 93 years was not a failure. Far from it: that was a damn good heart. If I didn't want to die in a hilarious manner (e.g., falling piano, slip on banana peel, paper cut gone awry) at the age of 39.5, I would want a heart that lasted that long. We should commend Ford's heart for a job well done!

... too soon?

Michael Jordan and Wife to Divorce: I have perfectly reasonable explanation for this one. Watch this video:



Now, tell me that you aren't thinking what I'm thinking: Kevin Bacon sabotaged Michael Jordan's marriage! Although I don't have all the details yet, here's the backbone of my case:

Proof of relationship: Michael Jordan and Kevin Bacon are unusually close. They share a living space and play basketball, write music, and eat fruit together.

Motive: Michael Jordan is always ruining Kevin Bacon's game, usually by knocking flying doodads away in a pejorative manner. KB clearly must have lusted for vengeance.

Savvy: KB is a musical master that saved Apollo 13 and taught a small town how to dance and appreciate the name "Ren." I think that's all the evidence we need to show that he's got the skills needed to sabotage a marriage; Kevin Bacon knows all.

Someone track down Kevin Bacon. He's got some 'splainin to do.

Finally, I leave you with this perfectly cromulent guide to using Simpsons quotes during bowl season. Good reading, with many laughs and solid examples. May your bowl season be that much embiggened.

Eight Crazy Nights on 4 Smooth Cylinders

I wouldn't have believed this if I hadn't taken photographic proof:






I give you: The ChanAccord!!

Yes, the candles light up at night.

I also saw a few minivans and a Lexus with a similar setup. Only in Pittsburgh...

Why do I always go right there?

Scott: That "Hey Ya"/Peanuts video on Tracie's blog never gets old.
BWB: No, that's great stuff.
Scott: That song, despite the world collectively getting burned out on it, is still one of the ten greatest pop songs ever.
BWB: Oh, definitely. It's flawless. No one hates that song.
Scott: We all just needed a couple years off from it.
BWB: Well, of course it was going to get played out.
BWB: It's modern radio and television, after all
BWB: If they could put "Hey Ya" in a Holocaust documentary, they would
Scott: ... I want to see that
Scott: (pile of emaciated bodies) "What's cooler than cool? Ice cold..."
Scott: ... ... ... Yeah, I think I found out where "too far" was
Scott: it was two miles back...
BWB: Those lines in the sand get washed away anyway

Justin Timberlake is still funny

Because you all are likely about to lose me for a few weeks to Final Fantasy 12, here are some videos to amuse you. While I was all set to write about the end of YouTube — what with the purging of copyrighted content — they gave me enough joy lately to hold off that rant:

Saturday Night Live is funny for the second time in 2 years

Here's the first funny skit on SNL in probably forever. Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg deliver. Stick with it; it gets truly hilarious. Tip o' the BiWeekly Brilliance cap to Scott for the link:




Liquor Store Robbery 101

Here is how not to rob a liquor store:




Idiots, fire, and a WD-40 can

I can't find any more background on this one, but it's 20 seconds of joy:

OW! My Dragonballz!

Although I'm having trouble getting into the Christmas spirit, this certainly helped:

The Bang & Olufsen Serene versus... a banana. It's closer than you think.

I am long past my New-Every-Two upgrade time for my cellular phone. Although my LG VX-6000 soldiers on, it may be time to cash it in for a shiny new toy.

What are my options? Well, there is the ever-popular Motorola Razor—Nah: too ubiquitous.

Or I could keep it in the LG family and go with the VX-8500 "Chocolate" phone. It's an MP3 player! And a phone! Imagine the ringtone possibilities: I could possibly get even more annoying than my current ringtone trio of "Welcome to the Jungle," "Purple Haze" and "The Final Countdown!"

We might have a winne—

Wait... there are other options for upgrading my phone!

In this corner: the Bang & Olufsen Serene mobile phone!

AAAAAND in this corner: a banana cell-phone holder!!

A hard decision for any man to make. Let's do a feature-by-feature comparison:

Design:

Serene: The Serene is the closest we're going to get to an Apple iPhone for now: It's simply stunning. A brushed aluminum exterior, shiny hinge, elegant trapezoidal shape. It puts the Razor to shame.

Banana: It looks like a banana. Fuck you, milk: the banana is one of nature's most perfect foods. Babies might try to eat your phone even more often than they already do. Stupid babies. What do they know?

Advantage: A tough call... I'm not hungry right now, so the Serene gets a point.

Serene: 1 Banana: 0


Features

Serene: For the laziest people on the planet, the Serene features a motor-assisted hinge. You start to open it and the phone will continue to open itself. It also has something that phones have needed for a long time: an iPod-like scroll wheel to move through menus and contacts. How cool is that?

Banana: It makes your old phone look like a banana. How cool is that?

Advantage: The future of cell phones versus a delicious banana.... call it a Tie.

Serene: 2 Banana: 1


Ringtones

Serene: The Serene doesn't use your standard ringtones; it has a collection of crystal-clear wind chimes or woodblock sounds to grab your attention. Unfortunately, you can't program the wind chimes to play "Welcome To The Jungle" or "The Final Countdown." Shame.

Banana: Your regular ringtone... muffled through a plastic banana. Because my regular ringtones are "The Final Countdown" and "Welcome To The Jungle," it still rocks.

Advantage: Chimes are pretty, but they don't match the guitar wankery of Slash. Point to Banana.

Serene: 2 Banana: 2


Cool Factor

Serene: If you're seen walking down the street talking into a Serene, I can only assume that women will throw themselves at you to sleep with your stylish self. Tech-obsessed men will, too, if that's your thing.

Banana: If you're seen walking down the street talking into a banana, people will think you're batshit insane and stay out of your way. I don't like people, so that could be nice.

Advantage: On the one hand, I like when women throw themselves—and are not throwing pies—at me. On the other hand, I want to walk down the street yelling into a banana. Tie!

Serene: 3 Banana: 3


Value

Serene: It costs $1250 — I am not making that up — and will be completely obsolete as soon as Apple decides to make a cell phone.

Banana: It costs $10 plus shipping. And seeing someone talk into a banana will always be funny.

Advantage: Banana. Duh.

Serene: 3 Banana: 4

Banana wins!

Well, that was easy. If you want me, I'll be the idiot walking down the street using a banana to send text messages.

A Healthy Argument

Argument #83: The Plastic Tabs That You Use to Seal Bags of Bread or Bagels

"Give me the tab thingy."

"There are no more bagels. I'm throwing out the bag. The tab has served its purpose and is now useless."

"No, I keep them in this cup here."

"Why?"

"They have uses."

"[muttering] ... Psycho in the making..."

"What did you say?"

"Um, 'Crisco is good for baking.'"

Welcome!

Welcome to Biweekly Brilliance! The site where I'll entertain you... when I feel like it.