OK folks, before we dive into the wild world of The O.C. finale, let's get some background information.
I stopped watching the show towards the end of season 3, so here's a recap of what I remember from the show and a primer for newbies:
We'll start with the cast of characters:
Ryan: AKA "McBroody." The bad boy from a broken family. Gets adopted by Sandy Cohen, his lawyer who takes sympathy on him. In The OC, he immediately falls in love with Marissa, burns down a house, beats up everyone that looks at Marissa, apologizes to Marissa, then gets jealous again of the next man in her life. Repeat this process every 5 or so episodes, although at some point in the third season he started to be the funny one while Seth became the brooding one.
Seth Cohen: AKA The Cool Dweeb, or Cweeb. The reason that anyone admits to watching this show. Seth is the sarcastic, indie-rock and comic book nerd that the ladies shun in high school but fawn all over in college (or so I hear). The wittiest and most self-aware of the characters. Ended up getting 2 girls at once, then committed 100% to Summer, moved to Seattle, moved back, and became moody and brooding instead of funny. I recall him trying pot at one point and missing a college interview. How the mighty have fallen.
Summer: aka Fashion Magazine. She was the ditz that turned out to be smarter than them all. Or something like that. Last I heard she went to Brown. Usually dating or semi-dating Seth. At one point she dressed up as Wonder Woman and shared an upside down Spiderman kiss with Seth. Niiiice.
Marissa Cooper: AKA Anorexic Monkey Whiner Bitch. Had mommy AND daddy issues. Liked Ryan and any other obsessive, self-destructing man. My last two memories of her was that she was obsessing over some surfer from [gasp] public school named John (who I called "Johnnie Blaze" since that sounds like a gay porn star). Or maybe it was some guy named Volchok (What a name. Is he a Rocky nemesis?)... then she died. That was great.
Sandy Cohen: AKA Eyebrows. The other legitimate reason to watch this show. Sandy was the coolest dad on TV: an understanding, reasonable person surrounded by rich misfits. LIKES: Surfing, his hot wife, and justice. DISLIKES: Rich snobs, including his father-in-law. I recall losing faith in him when he almost strayed from his wife for no good reason, but it's impossible to resist the charms of those furry, caterpillar eyebrows.
Kirsten Cohen: AKA Perky. Okay, I'll say it: MILF! The perky Protestant. I honestly don't remember much about her at this point other than her and Sandy were super cute and her dad was a dick, but he died, so that was sweet.
Julie Cooper: Boo! Hiss! Marissa's uber-bitch mom. It runs in the family. She married Kirsten's dad for his money, but he died broke so bummer. Now she lives in a trailer park and is probably all depressed. She's got another younger daughter, who I will call "Mini Cooper" that, as far as I can tell, only exists to be the Lolita character.
Taylor Townsend: AKA Audi (because her initials are "TT"... get it? eh? ... well I tried.) A midseason 3 addition. The overachiever student council member. I recall that she was all after Seth, but failed. But she's still on the cast list, so who knows what's going on now.
And now... we begin!
8:59: Man, The Office was great. Is it just me, or is anything involving Creed invariably the funniest part of any episode? And Roy? Wow. Just, wow. OK, OC... don't let me down. Here we go..
9:00: Mini Coop is still here? MILF is preggers? Julie is getting married to some guy named Gordon Bullet? Seth is married? They pulled the earthquake routine? What is this, Telemundo??? JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS GOING ON? WHAT ELSE HAVEN'T YOU TOLD ME?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HERE WE COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! God, I missed that. Commercial break.
9:04: Oh, William H. Macy, what are you doing in this god-awful looking buddy comedy? And why is there an advertisement for it every 5 freaking minutes.
9:05: Apparently Franz Ferdinand is the background music for L'Oreal commercials now.
9:06: We're back. I guess McMoody is going to Berkeley. Good for him. Oooh, new house for the Cohens, etc.! Ryan mopes about the new house.
9:07: Aww, Summmer remembers being involved with stuff. But, umm, isn't saving the seals the most obvious cause ever? What else does Summer hate? Cancer? AIDS? Ryan mopes about AIDS.
9:09: Taylor is still around. And she's kind of funny. I'm so confused. Cheap sight gag #1: Taylor = terrorist.
9:10: Taylor and McMoody dated? HUH?! Well, I guess she's an improvement over Anorexic Monkey Bitch.
9:11: Haha, Texan inlaws apparently = guaranteed comedy. What a time to be alive. And awwww the boys want to help their parents get their old, old house back and Brokeback Mountain is stopping it from happening. Ryan mopes about Brokeback Mountain being totally overrated.
If you're confused, don't worry, so am I. I am so completely lost. For a show where the same plot repeated every 4 episodes or so, apparently a lot of crazy shit happened this season.
9:15: I'm smarter than a 5th grader, FOX. Give me money!
9:18: Yay! Metajokes! The OC is the last show you would expect to be postmodern. And I love the parody game show named "Briefcase or No Briefcase."
9:19: In reference to Summer's bunny having babies: "I didn't know he was a she! I'm a bad crack mother!" First good laugh of the night.
9:22: What's going on with this baby business? AND STOP CALLING THAT DUDE "THE BULLET!" Seriously... the whole "Mr. Big" Sex and the City thing is played out.
9:23: Go Sandy! Charm Brokeback with those eyebrows! Ryan mopes because he knows he'll never have those eyebrows.
9:24: Holy coincidences, Batman! MILF's water broke, and half of Brokeback Mountain is a midwife! Man, The OC is really going for broke here with the finale. Most shows are content with a wedding OR a funeral OR a new baby OR time travel. Not all of the above. I'm calling it now: before the end of the hour, they're going to flash forward to 2027 and see Josh Schwartz vision of a dystopian future. It'll probably be better than the director's cut of Blade Runner.
9:27: I just felt up Tits McGee, and it was more entertaining than all of Season 3. Take that, The OC!
9:28: TO THE FUTURE! ... ok just a few minutes. We've got a new baby. And Baby hates Bullet.
9:30: Lolita is telling off Julie's babydaddy. She is not at all threatening. Tits McGee just gave us this gem: "Is Julie's babydaddy Kevin Sorbo?" Yes he is! Good catch, Angelpie.
9:31: Seth! No! Stop getting moody about Summer! Someone get me a newspaper so I can beat him!
9:33: Did I hear that? Are the Bullets named after cities in Texas? Summer: do NOT ask Julie for relationship advice! Have you learned nothing?
9:35: How the hell did Bullet get here? Does he have powers? Is this suddenly science fiction? Oh god... they're moving the wedding to San Fran. SAAAAAN FRANCISCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HERE WE COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME!
9:36: "'A baby and heterosexual sex on my bed in the same day? An outrage!' says Blonde Brokeback.'" <-- good observation, Pickle Pie. Getting told off by Brokeback probably made Ryan very mopey.
9:38: Hercules went to the wrong wedding. Don't profess your love; your heart rests with Xena, Warrior Princess!
9:39: That's right, Brokeback. Get out of Cohen House 2.0. Side note, everything is getting resolved too soon: I'm standing by my Time Travel prediction. Commercial break.
9:41: If I ever ran into Kevin Sorbo on the street, I would say, "Dude, I loved you in Kull The Conqueror!" I bet he doesn't get that very often.
9:45: Mini Cooper's Marissa impression is uncanny. I hope she dies.
9:46: Awwww photo montage. Remember when the show was good? Do you? Do you?! Aww, "You're my destiny, Cohen." Dig the Back To The Future reference. I would have given bonus points if she had said "density."
9:47: Where's the mopey indie rock? What's with this orchestral shit?
9:49: I bet Taylor and Ryan have broody, kinky, repressed-librarian sex. And Ryan mopes about it afterwards. That Taylor bitch never cuddles enough. Hawt.
9:50: Burn the house down, Ryan! It's your density! Burn it and mope!
9:51: Hug it out, bitches! Brothers don't shake hands.
9:52: Flashbacks.... cheap cop-out. Don't remind me how great Season 1 was.
9:54: No burning, but there's my mopey indie rock. That's better. And this "several months forward" definitely counts as time travel. I CALLED IT! [Balloons]
9:55: EVEN MORE TIME TRAVEL! I RULE AT THIS. Let me write a freaking sitcom. And, apparently, Ryan's jewish now. He's probably appropriately self-loathing and mopey.
9:56: We're several years in the future now. Did I mention that I TOTALLY called this like an hour ago? Ryan is a successful construction foreman and sees a kid down on his luck. Just like he used to be! And he offers to help the kid, just like Sandy did! It comes full circle! Fade to black... would it be too much to ask for a "To be continued....?" card? No? Damnit.
9:58: That mopey indie music was by Jet? I feel so dirty.
9:59: Wait, I just watched The OC again. I should feel dirty for that. Ciao, folks.