Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Things I Have Called My Girlfriend

Hello. My name is Lee, and I am an alcoholic have too many nicknames for my girlfriend.

It's a serious problem. I don't even remember her real name!

So, to begin the cleansing process, I will first acknowledge that I have a problem, and list—-for your amusement, natch--many of the things I have called my lady friend.

So...

Pet Names I have Called My Girlfriend (by Category)

(aka, as she puts it, dripping with sarcasm, "This is a sampling of the excellence I face every day")

NOTE: I emphasize that this is only a sampling...

Animal
Honey bee
Kitty
Tiger
Psycho homicidal jungle cat

Vegetable
Pumpkin (more correctly, "Punkin")
Cucumber

Breakfast
Frosted Flake
Lucky Charm
Silly Rabbit
Poptart
Banana pancake

Desserts
Cookie
Pudding Pop
Bomb Pop
Strawberry Shortcake
Snickerdoodle
Fudgicle

Pies
Pumpkin Pie
Apple Pie
Rhubarb Pie
Sweet Potato Pie
Scooter Pie
Angel Pie

Condiment
Honey
Honey mustard
Online salsation (huh? I think this is a zesty, non-union, Mexican equivalent of an online sensation??)

Berenstain Bears
Sugar Ball
Choco Chum
Sweetsy Cola

Processed Foodstuffs
Frogurt
Gogurt

???????
Apple Blossom
Bink-bink
Smelly Pirate Hooker ( This led to the following argument: "Don't call me that in front of my parents!" "Ok, you malodorous sea wench mistress of the night" "No synonyms!")
Schmoopy (and Schmoopy-pooky-kins)
Pickle

Date I last spoke her real name
November, 2006

8 comments:

Tracie said...

Wait, you have a girlfriend? Thanks for the update, buddy. Man, I feel so out of the loop.

Anonymous said...

haha, what is a scooter pie? -- katie mo :)

Scott said...

I'm a little disturbed, to be honest... since "Scooter" is a commonly applied nickname for people named "Scott"...

... you'd better not be pretending that she's me.

Although I would be a little flattered.

Jakers said...

okay... it had to be said; BOTH cucumbers and pumpkins are FRUITS, NOT VEGETABLES

fucking english major! take a bio class!

ps- 5 stars on expert on hangar 18! git back!

Erin Mc said...

Lee--

I just got paid for reading your entire blog. Woo hoo! I finally have mastered reading blogs while at work.

Looks like things are going well. I now have to change your link on my blog... again.

cher cher said...

Well, if someone had to steal you away from our pointless late-night conversations, I'm glad it is someone who is worthy of so many AWESOME nicknames.

And to Scott, I don't doubt that Lee is pretending she is you ;-)

kooz said...

"Psycho homicidal jungle cat"

nice! but uh... are you implying that she is a stuffed toy girlfriend who only comes to life in your imagination? :O

Lee Thunderball said...

Tracie: Yup, for a few months now. For my next trick, I'll make a pig fly. I haven't blogged about her much since, honestly, how am I NOT going to say something stupid?

Katie Mo: Short for "scooterificious pie-ee-alis," which I believe is also known as the "The Betty Crocker Lights"

Scott: I'll never tell. Wink.

Jake: Legally, a tomato is a vegetable. This is according to an 1893 Supreme Court case, and that particular year I've found was a good year to trust. I go to the 1893 supreme court for everything.

Erin: I miss paychecks... keep up the hard work! (Psst is your company hiring?)

Cheryl: Don't blame the woman for our lack of conversations. Blame whitey.... and class.

Kooz: That one is there because more than a few of my friends have accused me of making my lady friend up. To them, the idea of me having a girlfriend is so absurd that she must only exist in my own imagination. Frankly, I don't blame them; however, she is real. Terribly, frighteningly, horrifyingly real.

~Lee