Who watches the Watchmen?

One of my long-term goals has always been to write this blog openly, without the beautiful anonymity of the Internet. I understand immediately that the 7 or 8 people that read this blog know who I am anyway, but humor me--isn't humoring the author what all blogs are about, anyway?--for a moment.

I think we can all agree that anonymity is both the best and worst thing about the Internet. Certainly, the ability to post on message boards and make comments without knowing who's talking has allowed innumerable people to voice their opinions who might not otherwise.

However, this has opened the floodgates to an unfathomable amount of idiocy, best encapsulated by this Penny Arcade comic about the "Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory": Normal Person + Anonymity + Audience = Total Fuckwad.

Perceived intelligence of the site doesn't matter; popularity breeds stupidity, regardless of content. The more popular and highly trafficked the site, the grander the scope of idiocy you'll see. Check the comments after any article on the normally intelligent New York Times and you'll see that the masses in the comments are just as ignorant (and willing to wax poetic about the ignorance of others) as, say, YouTube. Last month, a brave writer on Slate scanned the 60,000+ comments on a YouTube video of a laughing baby and correctly noted that "In our time, Internet commenting has become its own special form of social idiocy" and that letting the YouTubers at a cute video of a child was akin to "dipping a bunny into acid."

On top of bringing countless types of abrasive idiocy to light, even well-meaning messages without a name attached are, in my opinion, virtually worthless.

I speak from bitter experience here. My junior year in high school, myself and a few close friends had gotten fed up with the direction that (start laughing...) our marching band (...now) was headed. I don't remember the nerdy, socially awkward details at all, but what's important at the moment is that we were hopping mad and wanted our leadership to make some changes.

So, god damnit, we wrote a long, well-reasoned letter to our band directors that laid out our grievances and offered some reasonable resolutions.

We were, however, big pussies and didn't want to get in trouble if our letter was poorly received. So we didn't put our names on it and dropped it in the suggestion box when no one was looking.

The next day between class and our daily loser meeting band practice, we heard the distinct sound of laughter coming from the directors' office. The ruckus was, predictably, over our letter. They were laughing outright at our reasonable suggestions! How dare they?! Amidst the chuckles, I heard our percussion teacher say, "they make some good points, but because there's no name on this thing, I just can't take it seriously."

That stuck with me: your words are infinitely more valuable in the long run if you're willing to stand by them.

In addition, anonymity can be infuriating to whoever reads your message. Take this note that I found on top of my office computer this morning:



If you can't read it, it says:

Laptops must be stored in a locked cabinet outside office hours.
Don't let audit catch you like this.

While it's surely well-meaning and trying to keep me out of trouble with all-powerful security folks, without a name or anything else attached, it just seems kind of dickish, no? That's certainly how I read it at first. Hell, entire Web sites exist to display the passive-aggressive dickery that comes naturally with anonymous notes. Even if I wanted to thank whoever wrote it (which I did after I calmed down a bit), I don't know who to talk to.

So it's been with some trepidation that I have been blogging for years without putting my name beside it.

I was planning on changing that after getting my master's last December. As I've started moving into the information architecture and web design fields, I've wanted to write about a number of relevant topics; however, I didn't want to put it out there anonymously. What if it's good stuff? There's a pretty robust community of professionals that blog out there, my name is as Google-able as could be, and good content could be just one more networking opportunity. What if a kick-ass blog post with some solid ideas gets me a job some day?

I figured that a blog could complement my portfolio (which definitely has my name all over it) nicely. I even coded the whole damn thing in Wordpress and was ready to go live.

Plus, it would be nice to be able to publicly host my own content and, accordingly, have total control over it.

Then this happened: a CNN producer, Chez Pazienza, got fired for blogging, even though he did so anonymously and never mentioned his employer.

Also, this happened: Mike Tunison, aka "Christmas Ape" of Kissing Suzy Kolber and Deadspin got fired from the Washington Post shortly after coming out of the blogging closet. Why did he cast off the beautiful cloak of anonymity? For full disclosure! And, ironically, the Post, a journalistic enterprise, had a problem with that.

Now, granted, Tunison wrote howlingly funny and wildly inappropriate posts about Philip Rivers and Hines Ward, but he never claimed to be writing for anyone else other than himself and his readers. He certainly wasn't representing the Post or his day job as a local beat reporter.

For his part, Chez also wrote howlingly funny and wildly inappropriate (and harshly opinionated) posts about any number of topics, including the current state of the news media. If you were to scan his posts, he would probably come off as a total ass.

But what an eloquent ass! Check out some of his greatest hits:

• Chez writes about his experience as a young reporter in the middle of a hurriance


• Chez writes about the value of human life after getting surgery for a brain tumor


• Chez suggests a moderate proposal: Kill Ann Coulter


• Chez goes to a My Chemical Romance concert and discusses the youth of the nation


• How to charm Chez in the style of Men's Health narcissistic pabulum


• PJ Harvey gets Chez through some hard times


• Here's a punch to the gut: Chez writes beautifully about a dead girl he never knew

That's some great stuff. It's a shame that CNN and the Post chose to dismiss such pure talent over what they did in their spare time. Sure, they have every legal right to fire whomever they please. And Chez and Tunison have every right to write about whatever they want on their personal sites, anonymous or no. I just don't think blogging is sufficient reason to lose your job, especially when you don't mention said day job in your posts. Especially when they're doing something (writing) that their choice of day job shows they obviously love. It's like getting fired for enjoying cooking in your spare time when your day job is a line cook.

"But they're so outlandish and opinionated! Surely that must affect their day jobs!" Bullshit. Most of us can and do check our private lives at the door when we put on our day job hats. And who says they can't coexist? I thought Forbes was wise to embrace and promote one of their staff writers after he was publicly outed as blogger Fake Steve Jobs.

And it's not for fame or money, either. Blogging isn't exactly a claim to fame or riches. Let's look at a popular blog for example. Deadspin.com is arguably the biggest and most influential sports blog out there. On Technorati's admittedly loose definition and ranking of blogs, it's the #61 top blog, and the most popular sports blog on the Internet (if you're curious that places it far below Gawker, Daily Kos, Drudge Report, and the ridiculously high-ranked icanhazcheeseburger.com; and just ahead of Freakonomics.). According to founder Will Leitch, on a good month Deadspin gets about 2 million page views. To compare, Sports Illustrated's site gets that in about a day. ESPN.com in probably half a day or less. It's just not that big, even if it's top dog among blogs. Here's a fun exercise: ask your parents if they've heard of blogging legends Dooce, Tucker Max, or Big Daddy Drew. Nope? Thought so. Accordingly, the money isn't going to be great. Have you checked out the pay rates on Internet ads? A penny for every 10,000 click-throughs? I can't lose!

Of course, folks have been getting fired for blogging as long as there have been blogs. (See: Dooce)

Still, it's a shame that a blog that doesn't mention your employer can be grounds for getting fired.

Given this, I'm staying in the shadows until I'm fully working for myself. Not that it matters, since probably a dozen people read this and they're almost all my real-life friends. And I've been sloppy: if you dig enough, it's not impossible to link my real name to this blog. I'm Facebook buddies with my boss at work. I'm pretty much working on borrowed time here.

But I might as well not actively make it any easier.

So if anyone who doesn't know me in real life wants to know, my name might be Lee, my full name is very Google-friendly, and I work for major multinational firm Compuglobalhypermeganet. See you on the Internets.

Al Queda knows that our bases have streets and planes. We're losing the war on terror!

"I think they can see us"

The military has banned Google Maps from taking 'Street View' pictures of military bases.

Call me crazy or a traitor or a communist, but what's the harm?

Terrorist on a computer: "Mohammed! Come quick! I have Googled the infidels' military bases and I can see what's there! Yup, they've got barracks. There's some guy's Humvee that's double parked. I pan around and I see runways. That means, by deduction, that they probably have... yes! Planes! They have planes!

Or, uh, had planes. This picture is probably at least weeks old so they could have moved it.

Um, there are some other buildings...

...

...

... this is all very obvious and tactically useless."

But because this is surely the work of our brilliant homeland security department, don't count on being able to use Google Earth or Google Maps for much longer. Considering we're told day in and day out that all of America is in danger, our easy access to satellite imagery is probably not long for this earth.

It's not a semester unless I'm terrorizing campus somehow

With apologies to AJ Daulerio, I present my latest student newspaper column: upcoming fake celebrity feuds to watch out for:

Clickety here to go to the article. [via The Tartan]

OK, light post, but if you haven't seen this yet, it's probably the funniest internet video in a long time (NSFW if you can't have naughty language blaring from the speakers):

The iPod paradox of choice; or Waaaaah which pointless luxury good will make me happier??

I'm behind on my work since I spent all afternoon drooling over the new iPods.

Well, not the new Ipod Nano. I imagine it feels good in the hand but seems to have lost the very nice proportions of the old ones be hideously ugly. And are you really going to watch video on that tiny screen? Gimme the old ones any day.

But cripes, Apple, you had to make things difficult, didn'tcha? I own a current 60GB iPod. Come upgrade time, do I a) buy a 160GB iPod Classic and take care of my music storage needs for, say, the next 5-10 years but without any cool new features; or b) Go with the drool-worthy, internet-connected iPod Touch but have to settle for only 16gb of storage at a time?

I mean, it's a stunning interface but I don't know if I could take the portable storage hit. I love having all my music available at all times. And "iPod Touch" is such a lazy name; was "WiFiPod" taken? That's what I'm going to call it anyway.

Tough choices. I don't think I could say "No" to either of them. But I'll take my WiFiPod without the Macy Gray:



Much better.

A lesson in concision for the CIA

So I saw on the Washington Post today that the CIA released a 19-page redacted executive summary of a report about the Agency's failures leading up to 9/11.

19 pages?! For just the executive summary?! You've got to be kidding me. If you're calling it an "executive summary" it damn well better be less than a page or 2--especially considering who our chief executive is.

Here's a hint for the CIA (and, really, anyone): if you want people to read your reports and enact change, make the executive summary shorter than the latest Harry Potter book.

From what I can surmise from the article, this would have done nicely:



I think it nicely hits all the talking points.

What do Vince Vaughn and Peru have in common?

Your wholly insensitive moment of the day:

From a slideshow of the Peruvian earthquake from the BBC:


Refugees took what they could carry from the rubble of their homes, as did this man in Chincha, 155 miles (250km) south of Lima.

Is it wrong that the first thing I thought of was this?


"That painting was a gift. I'm taking it with me."

Yes, for equating a terrible tragedy with Wedding Crashers, I'm a terrible person. But you knew that already.

Fake Steve Jobs is Daniel Lyons ... and still awesome

Awww, man. The New York Times has discovered the true identity of the blogger known as Fake Steve Jobs (Tagline: Dude, I invented the friggin' iPhone. Have you heard of it?).

Here's the short story:

1) Anonymous blogger adopts persona of Steve Jobs, founder of Apple

2) Fake Steve does not hold back. Writes hilarious, bitter posts mocking, well, everyone.

3) Remainder of bloggers split two ways: a) The true identity of Fake Steve is our Holy Grail! We must find it and share its bounty! or b) Don't unmask him! You'll ruin the fun!

4) Almost a year later, Times reporter Brad Stone takes a week or so to figure it out. Here's the evidence, a combination of writing tics, location, and other slips that led to the unmasking.

5) Fake Steve owns up to being Daniel Lyons, an editor at Forbes magazine. Of course, he takes a stab at the blogosphere while he's at it:

One bright side is that at least I was busted by the Times and not Valleywag. I really, really enjoyed seeing those guys keep guessing wrong. For six months Dr. Evil and Mr. Bigglesworth put their big brains together and couldn't come up with the answer. Guy from the Times did it in a week. So much for the trope about smarty-pants bloggers disrupting old media.

I'm kind of sad, but it gives me an excuse to dump all the links I've been hoarding of Fake Steve's best posts since I started reading a few months ago:

There's the one where he shows how the iPhone can charm even the Amish.

There's the one where he explains why Apple is cutting back on iPhone production; it's to make you feel special:

[This is] a product that makes you smarter and, well, better than other people. Can't do that if everyone has one, right?

We figured we could keep things under control using our usual overpricing strategy. Who in their right mind was going to shell out 600 bucks for a friggin phone, right? Especially if it lacks all sorts of features that people really want. Just to be doubly sure we put it on the AT&T network and gave it an unbearably slow wireless connection so that Web browsing is practically impossible. Well, much to our amazement, it turns out there are just loads and loads of people willing to spend 600 bucks on a feature-lite phone as long as it has one crucial feature, which is our Apple logo on the outside. Who knew?

My personal favorite, there's the one where he tears the music industry a new one after they whined about iTunes dominating the MP3 market:

Here's the thing. These guys could have done what we did. In the early days of the Internet, everyone figured the majors would build digital distribution arms. But they didn't do it, because they didn't understand technology, and they didn't want to invest in building this expertise, and they were freaked out about piracy and paralyzed with fear. So we stepped in. We made the big investment. We hired programmers. We developed software that's easy to use and works flawlessly. (If you think that's trivial, think again. It's huge.) We ran the system. We promoted it, we marketed it, we haggled with all the majors and struck deals. We took all the risk, which was considerable. Now we're reaping the reward. And the majors want a bigger slice. Um, for what? We did all the work. Ain't gonna happen, slick.

Here's the back story. The music companies are in a dying business, and they know it. Sure, they act all cool because they hang around with rock stars. But beneath all the glamour these guys are actually operating two very low-tech businesses. One is a form of loan-sharking: they put up money to make records, then force recording artists to pay the money back with exorbitant interest. The other business is distribution. They’ve got big warehouses and they control the shipment of little plastic boxes that happen to have music in them.

The guys running the labels are pretty stupid -- most are just dirtbags who started out as band managers or promoters -- but now at long last they are kinda sorta finally vaguely getting clued in to the fact that both parts of their business model are fucked. Their loan-sharking business is being eliminated by low-cost digital recording technology that lets people make an album for very little money. And by letting us build the online music store they've taken themselves out of the distribution business. In the days of vinyl and then CDs, the labels managed to control the value chain by having loads of retailers in a highly fragmented market, and playing them off each other. In the digital world they've got us. And that's it.

Pretty brilliant, if you ask me. I hope Mr. Lyons stays this insightful post-unmasking.

Yahoo! Most Viewed photos provides penetrating insight into the American psyche

Check out the "Most Viewed" photos today on Yahoo! Most Popular:



Yup. Lindsay Lohan x8, subtly overtly sexual yoga, and the planet Mercury a galactically fat man.

Bravo, America. I haven't questioned your taste this much since Wild Hogs hit #1 at the box office. Bravo.

Slate was really on top of their game today

Wow, Slate was really kicking ass on the Alps today.

First, they unearthed the fax that Chimpy McFlightsuit used to cede power to Cheneytron while he was in surgery. Yes, a fax. The same official, super secure document transmission method I use to order Chipotle burritos. You'd think he'd at least call!

If you're interested in some Harry Potter discussion, they have a nice series of letters about their predictions and feelings after it's over. Spoilers, obviously. Will Leitch, busybody editor of Deadspin gets in on the action.

Finally, they had not one but two killer slideshows. First up are examples of the video game clichés that let us instantly pick up new games, like medpacks and The Konami Code.

I guess Medpacks are preferable to eating cute fairies (picture link goes nowhere):



Second up is an exploration of the 12 major types of advertisements. They've put together some pretty good examples, and Seth Stevenson totally digs up one of my favorite ads ever, Nike's "Awake:"



Man, now I'm pumped. Might as well clear out some of my other Slate links here:

Did you catch their Action Movie one-liner contest? I would say my favorite was "Myspace friend add … denied!" but screw Myspace! "Dénouement-ized, man-kisser!" takes the cake. One blogger really took it to another level though with "Spoiler Alert! You die." and "You’re Tony Soprano and I’m an artsy fade to black." or "Subway: Eat death."

They launched a new video service, SlateV, with some very excellent video versions of their articles. Frankly, they're the best I've ever seen for internet videos. They certainly know when to let ridiculous material speak for itself. It also has a blog that tracks 'net videos that nicely complements the AV Club's "Videocracy" column as places to find fun videos without getting your fingers dirty by actually going to YouTube, land of daxflames and lonelygirls. Yeck.

Last but not least, a classic article by Hua Hsu about inexplicable hit "My Humps:"

Irony and camp have recast taste as an ethical shell game and we feel no guilt celebrating things that are, in the parlance of VH1, Awesomely Bad. But are there still songs that qualify as "bad"? Consider the Los Angeles hip-hop quartet the Black Eyed Peas. Their current single, "My Humps," is one of the most popular hit singles in history. It is also proof that a song can be so bad as to veer toward evil.

At least "My Humps" gave us this, which almost makes up for "You Oughta Know:"

Harry Potter and Poetry

So I've finished Harry Potter. My only comment that I'll share on a blog right now is... has JK Rowling always used so many ellipses? I counted like 20 on one page. Use a period, lady!

Now for something completely different: Famous Poems as Limericks! Here's my favorite:

There was a man who, at low tide
Would walk with the Lord by his side
Jesus said "Now look back;
You'll see one set of tracks.
That's when you got a piggy-back ride."

And you thought there wasn't a way to make "Footprints In The Sand" any more ridiculous, did you?

"The Raven" as a limerick is quite good as well.

[Via BoingBoing]

Link roundup: holiday weekend edition

Time for another round of link vomiting, wherein I try to make sense of a big pile of stuff that I want to share with yinz. Here we goooooooooooooo...

Last time I left you with my new favorite blog, Passive Agressive Notes. Well they have a nice rundown of a household post-it war that escalates nicely.

Speaking of escalating nicely, you might get a kick out of this short take on invasive advertising, particularly the kind that's popping up all over video games.

Video games can make stuff funnier! You might have seen the clip of a breakdancer kicking a baby. Well, it's funnier when you add in sound effects from Street Fighter II. Is it wrong that I love watching children get injured? Is it even more wrong that I created a 'kidsgettinghurt' folder on my del.icio.us account, a decision that implies I intend to find more movies of injury to children?

Speaking of kids, if you think kids these days just don't play outside enough, you may be right, as that article highlights how the distance parents let their kids wander has shrunk from miles to backyards.

That's such a drastic loss that I almost wish there was an easy tool to make ridiculous unit conversions. Oh, wait, there is. It can tell you that I weigh roughly .15 whale testicles and I am .222 (repeating, of course) Oscar Mayer Weinermobiles tall.

Men have weiners, and any man in the audience can probably appreciate Big Daddy Drew's Father's Day plans. Yeah, this is late, but the cologne that smells like gunpowder kills me every time. Badass.

Speaking of badass, the new Die Hard movie is pretty good. But I don't think it'll be as good as Ben Stiller's classic parody of the franchise. Remember when he was funny? Before he did crappy cartoons?

Speaking of cartoons, go see Ratatouille now. I can't say enough nice things about it. I would rate it as just as good as Incredibles but not quite as good as Finding Nemo or Monsters, Inc., one of my favorite movies ever, as I've illustrated with this graph:



That looks harsh, until you realize it's out of scale compared to all other children's movies:



While I'm at it, Slate also had a nice slideshow about the excellence that is Brad Bird. It takes a special director to make soup preparation utterly thrilling -- by a rat, no less! If I had my way, Remy the Rat would take Mickey's place as the icon of Disney. Though I don't think that would work out. Walt Disney was a sexist asshole. But we already knew that. Remy the Rat is too nice to be such a dick.

Speaking of things that can carry disease, you all should also go see Sicko. It's easily Moore's best since Roger & Me and he blessedly stays the hell out of the way, letting other people who have been screwed by the insurance industry do the talking. It's brilliant, tragic, hilarious, and infuriating, and you can watch it (the whole thing!) for free (legally, even!) right here. So you have no excuse. Only people who hate Michael Moore on principle can hate this movie. While his proposed solution is far from perfect and doesn't hit on everything, goddamn is the movie powerful.

Speaking of powerful, if you're a GMail convert (If you aren't on Gmail and want an invite, leave a comment and I'll fix you up), you can consolidate all your disparate emails into Gmail (including having Gmail send outgoing replies "from" the address that received it) to have all your email in one place. This is especially handy if you have to use a bunch of different addresses and mail clients for pleasure, school, and work emails and want them all in one place. Saucy.

Speaking of saucy, I want an iPhone really bad... as soon as it holds as much music as full-size iPods and isn't on the tin-cans-and-string cellular network. Those commercials lie!, but I admit they make me chuckle (and the girls in those spots are pretty hawt ... man I'm pathetic).

Speaking of pathetic, have you ever stumbled on a car taking up more than their fair share of the parking lot? Well, Youparklikeanasshole is the most fun way to rat them out. It even has notices you can print out and leave on offending cars. Probably don't want to do it if the driver can see you. Caveat emptor.

Speaking of cars, this blog post runs down some incredible car commercials, including the infamous Honda "Cog" spot, the grocery parking lot defense, and this incredible Honda spot that I hadn't seen before.

Still on cars, Consumerist posted a very thorough essay that explains why gas is so expensive. Summary: it's not the gas station's fault; it's every other step in the process that is actively out to screw you. Maybe it's time to go back to walking or public transport.

Speaking of traveling, if you're heading home for the holiday, you might want to look into this tutorial and this one about how to get your parents' computer free of ad-, mal-, and spy-ware. If your parents are like mine, their compys will need it. Badly. Stop using Internet Explorer for heaven's sake!

If you must drive on your trip back home, you should fire up some Pearl Jam on the iPod and try to figure out the lyrics to "Yellow Ledbetter".

You should also pack some maps, and you can find a ton of insane ones on this blog. Be sure you have a lot of time to waste, since there's tons of cool stuff on there, including a clever visual of online communities and a very compelling reason to study the cartography of Hannover.

While we're talking about graphical abstractions and wastes of time, you can lose hours in the "Stick Figures in Peril" photostream. Lots of funny ones, although I have yet to see the infamous "Beware Flying Bats and Balls" sign that has a stick figure getting whacked with a baseball... but this one is close. (It might have been caused by Jedi Baseball.)

Speaking of safety, if you're listing something to sell on Craigslist and don't want to put your phone number on the greater Intertubes, use this service to create a free forwarding number to keep your real number private. I also found a nifty way to keep your laptop private with a relatively inconspicuous FedEx envelope.

While you're on Craigslist, if you need to airbrush your picture for your personal ad (and you have Photoshop, natch), this tutorial can show you how in a ridiculous amount of detail. This should also show you how to never trust any picture you find online ever. You might find yourself with someone like this toothless harpy and end up on FOX reality television programming.

Speaking of things the cat wouldn't drag in -- I know... I'm reaching -- well, I don't want to spoil it, so just watch the video. If you get anything from this post, make it this:



And while we're on the joys of youth, remember as a parting word of advice that if you must show a "Bong Hits 4 Jesus" banner at a school function, the Supreme Court says you're better off with something like this.

I'm not going to get to be an editor

This summer I have been working to redesign the website for a local newspaper. In the process, I've been putting together mock-ups of the new design. While the standard procedure is to fill these models with Greek text, I've mostly stuck with filling in some recent news stories to make it look more realistic.

Naturally, this means I get to be Editor For A Day and write my own headlines:



Perhaps I won't be sharing these with the boss...

Any other scathing recent headlines I should sneak in?

How Delta should deal with the coming PR crisis of someone videotaping their 7-hour delayed flight

Watch this entertaining video (courtesy The Consumerist) about a man that was smart enough to videotape being stuck on the runway for almost 7 hours in a plane:



I now present 1-act play that I call...

Delta Crisis Response Squad

[Scene: Delta CEO's office]

DELTA CEO: "I feel like going for a plane ride today." [Picks up phone.] "Yes, I'd like 2 tickets... one for me and one for that suspicious-looking guy that works in IT... yeah, yeah, the one with the beard and the crazy eyes. ... tell him it's a business lunch."

[Scene: Airplane interior. Delta CEO and Suspicious IT Employee are sitting next to one another in coach]

CEO: "Thanks for joining me on this not-at-all-strange midair business lunch."

SITE: "Oh, no problem. It's nice to get out sometimes. And with the CEO, no less!"

CEO: "Of course. Would you mind taking a picture of me?"

SITE: "Sure thing, boss!"

[CEO hands camera to employee]

CEO: "HELP! This suspicious-looking man with a beard and crazy eyes is trying to learn the secrets of air travel! Homeland Security! Batman! George W. Bush! Any properly diligent citizen! Stop him!"

[A puff of smoke appears. Dick Cheney emerges from the blackness]

CHENEY: "We have underestimated terror. Clearly it wishes to expose the foibles of modern air travel through the black magic of 'film' and 'moving pictures.' I banish thee to Gitmo, Guillermo del Terror!"

[Lightning flies from his fingers and strikes Employee, who disappears.]

CHENEY: "Furthermore I ban all cameras, camcorders, and camera phones from planes! Or else terror will win!"

CEO: "Hooray!"

CHENEY: "May I have some of those peanuts?"

CEO: "No, they weren't budgeted for this flight."

CHENEY: "Awww..."

[Fin!]

Things would be different if I ran the newsroom

Sad day yesterday at Virginia Tech. Thoughts out to all the people affected by this.

But allow me to say, if I were running the newsroom, things would be a little different. I know bigger death count numbers look good and all to grab attention, but stuff like this grab from MSNBC doesn't quite capture the feeling:



This grab from the New York Times is more accurate by separating the victims and the shooter...



And how would I do it if I ran things?



Yeah, I think that sums it up. I'd feel bad for the killer's family and all, but Jesus Christ on a pogo stick he killed over 30 people! Screw him.

In addition, I give my half-props to USA Today for this piece of page 1 design with the excerpt of the campus emails. It's half slimy and sensationalist, but half brilliant how it puts a spotlight on the chaos and confusion.

Dear Yahoo!: For enlightenment, look within

Two internet advertising quips:

First, as the Consumerist blog points out, perhaps Yahoo doesn't need to look far for the source of the looming housing crisis:




Next, I received this prompt upon signing in to MySpace:



Needless to say, I didn't try to save Britney.

I am powerless to resist

Stay tuned, kids.

Tomorrow, I will take part in the most important event ever to reach television screens.

I will be live-blogging the finale of The O.C.. I followed this piece of hot garbage for years, and I'm damn sure not going to miss the ending.

What do I expect from it? Well, I have a feeling it won't be the best episode, solely because Marissa can't die twice. But I'll try.

Look for it to go live before midnight tomorrow. I can't wait.

In the meantime, here's Marissa dying. That always makes me happy.

"You are directly responsible for 'Two and a Half Men' winning a People's Choice Award for best comedy."

From Seth Freilich, Pajiba.com's television critic, in their first annual (sh)it list:

You

To be clear, I don’t mean you, the general Pajiba readership. I mean You, the mainstream public, Time’s Person of the Year, the stupid meme subsequently given such other titles as AdAge’s Agency of the Year, Spin’s Artist of the Year, etc., etc., ad nauseam. Despite my previous comments to the contrary, You do not live solely in the middle of the country — You abound throughout this nation of ours, in numbers too great to (unfortunately) be ignored. You are the loud, obnoxious sons of bitches surrounding me in every movie theater, laughing at the inane bits, talking out of turn, loudly chewing your cud, and just generally making moviegoing an almost entirely miserable experience. You are responsible for network television being littered with crappy procedurals, crappier reality shows, and crappiest game shows. You are responsible for Titanic being the all-time number-one box-office hit. You are responsible for Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay. You are responsible for the cancellation of “Freaks and Geeks” and “Arrested Development.” You are responsible for the Santa Clause trilogy. You are directly responsible for “Two and a Half Men” winning a Peoples’ Choice Award for best comedy. You are responsible for movie studios and television networks having increasingly little faith, patience or willingness to stand behind good art. You are responsible for the Hollywood complex choosing to serve to the lowest common denominator. You are responsible for the suck.

I hope You’re proud of Yourself.

"AT&T is the T-1000 of Corporations"

Sing it, Colbert:




PS: Dear Apple: Putting your nifty iPhone on Cingular's network ONLY is a big mistake... I daresay it belongs in a course called Boneheaded Maneuvers 101. No amount of awesomeness will make me switch to Cingular--err, AT&T. Sorry.

~Lee

Someone track down Kevin Bacon

Some quick comments on recent news

Saddam Hussein Hanged: (Yes, it's "hanged," not "hung.") Although I can't say this is at all surprising, I do feel kind of disappointed. Iraq has a long and illustrious history of wars and takeovers marked by the slaying of the previous leaders; it might have been nice if they broke with that tradition. Maybe try something new, ya know? Do things with a little less killing, eh? I would have let the sucker rot.

Gerry Ford Dies at 93: I was on euphemism watch on this one: I can't find it now, but an early report on this said that Ford died of "heart failure." This is one of my favorite worthless euphemisms for death (right up there with "he has passed." Passed what? His life? His basketball? On the left? I'm unclear; I'm going to need a direct object or a direction here... I digress). Any way, call me crazy, but I think that a heart that lasted 93 years was not a failure. Far from it: that was a damn good heart. If I didn't want to die in a hilarious manner (e.g., falling piano, slip on banana peel, paper cut gone awry) at the age of 39.5, I would want a heart that lasted that long. We should commend Ford's heart for a job well done!

... too soon?

Michael Jordan and Wife to Divorce: I have perfectly reasonable explanation for this one. Watch this video:



Now, tell me that you aren't thinking what I'm thinking: Kevin Bacon sabotaged Michael Jordan's marriage! Although I don't have all the details yet, here's the backbone of my case:

Proof of relationship: Michael Jordan and Kevin Bacon are unusually close. They share a living space and play basketball, write music, and eat fruit together.

Motive: Michael Jordan is always ruining Kevin Bacon's game, usually by knocking flying doodads away in a pejorative manner. KB clearly must have lusted for vengeance.

Savvy: KB is a musical master that saved Apollo 13 and taught a small town how to dance and appreciate the name "Ren." I think that's all the evidence we need to show that he's got the skills needed to sabotage a marriage; Kevin Bacon knows all.

Someone track down Kevin Bacon. He's got some 'splainin to do.

Finally, I leave you with this perfectly cromulent guide to using Simpsons quotes during bowl season. Good reading, with many laughs and solid examples. May your bowl season be that much embiggened.